Gambaritsuzukeru

You probably don't know what the title of this post means, or if it's even a real language, but I will tell you that it's a promise.

The promise.

The promise that I have to make for this blog once people know my name, which will happen by the end of this post, so be patient, because it's a long one.  And no, that doesn't mean you can skip to the end and peek.  Where's the fun in that?

Well... let's do this!

To be honest, this is one of those things where I think,

"I never thought this day would come."

Because this blog means a lot to me, and I'm afraid once I'm known, it won't be the same.

I'm not super hipster, and I'm not very poetic.  I don't sugar-coat.

I'm real.

And if you remember the title of my first post, I told you that.

And I meant it.

Because when you're real and honest and just don't care what people think, the content means something.

I'm gonna sound super cocky when I say this, but on my "Top 5 Favorite Blogs" list, I'd put my blog on there.

I really don't say that because I feel like I'm better than everyone else, because I'm not.  There's so many good blogs.

But for me, I'm proud of the fact that I've been able to just share my thoughts and be real, without caring about what people think; for once.

The fact that I've made people feel things, like I said I would.

The fact that I've made people think, like I said I would.

The fact that I've made people uncomfortable, like I said I would.

I've told you guys a lot of stuff, stuff that I normally wouldn't just tell people when I see them.  But being real has set me free.

I've told you about my fear of divorce, and how my parents got one.

ONLY A YEAR AGO.

I've talked about liking a girl, in hopes that she wouldn't read it and find out it was about her.

EVEN THOUGH SHE'S KNOWN MY BLOG FROM THE BEGINNING, AND IT WAS OBVIOUSLY ABOUT HER.

I've told you that I used to be addicted to pornography, and that I've imagined having sex with those four girls in my last post.

AND THREE OF THEM HAVE READ THAT.

I've sworn on this blog, which I don't swear in normal conversation, even though I think swear words used wisely either add a lot of emotion or make things really funny.

AND I'M GOING ON A MISSION.

I've done some pretty risky things, which has been really awesome to be quite honest.  The rush of, "What the heck are people gonna say about this?" has been such a satisfying feeling.

The two words that people have used to describe my blog most are real and brave; two words I don't think I've ever been called in my life before.

You guys have gotten to see a fun side of me; my adventurous side.  And that's the side of me that I like most.

Nelson, I hope you consider me as one of the good male bloggers.

To the people who have commented on my posts so far, I love you guys.  Seriously, to finally have people tell me they like my writing has been such an amazing thing.  My suicidal thoughts have greatly diminished from your feedback, because I love knowing that I've changed people.  Please keep commenting, because this leads to the title of my post; the promise.

The translation of my title?

"I will continue to do my best."

The language?

Japanese.

Yes, it's me...

Stephen Brailsford.

Dating 4 Girls At Once

This is something that I'd never do, but something that, as an indecisive 17 year old boy, has seemed like the only option.

I'm sorry for all of the love posts, I really am.  I'm gonna talk about something different for my "grand reveal" this week, promise.

Let's focus on this post for now, cool?

Cool, so there are four girls that I have constantly liked throughout the course of this year, with some minor crushes in between, but at one point or another, these girls have not been able to leave my mind.

Let's meet them, shall we?

Girl #1:

The girl that the moment I saw her I thought, "She is so freaking attractive.  Like, tell me how they got that pretty little face on that pretty little frame."  Things started off a little awkward, but eventually we clicked, really well.  And I'm not gonna lie, all of Christmas Break, all I ever did was text this girl to find out more about her.  I discovered her taste in music, I learned about her family, I even found out we have the same birthday!  She's gone through a lot, and she's always trusted me with sensitive information about her life, and I love that.  I stopped liking her for Girl #3, and she got a boyfriend, but I eventually got over Girl #3, and her boyfriend hasn't even asked her to Prom yet, which I jokingly suggested today that she date me instead, and she replied, "I would, but you're going on a mission."  She's the one girl that I've probably been closest to actually dating.  She came to my mission call opening, and dedicated a whole Instagram post to me.  She doesn't know that I like her.  She also looks really freaking good in a baseball cap.  (Update: She was just asked to Prom by her boyfriend.)

Girl #2:

I had a small crush on this girl in 9th grade, but I never really went far with it, and it kinda died by the end of the year.  But she was holding me when I told people for the first time about my addiction.  Fast forward to Junior year, and we started becoming good friends again.  Really good friends.  We've never gone anywhere romantically, because we've basically friendzoned each other, but we've also told each other that we like each other, and joke about getting married one day, but a majority of our conversations are about every other girl in this post.  She's my best friend.  She's honestly someone I could see myself marrying, because literally anything I say or do she finds hilarious or she forgives me for it.  What a gal.  She's helped me overcome my weaknesses, and I can't thank her enough for that.  She was also there at my mission call opening, and she also dedicated a whole Instagram post to me.  I don't think she realizes how much I love her.  I would not be here today without her.  I'm sure she looks really good in a baseball cap.

Girl #3:

I met her around the same time as Girl #2, and we became pretty good friends, and we have been ever since.  This is the girl that my first love posts on this blog were about; the one I've gotten over.  I've always found her extremely beautiful and talented, and then once Senior year came, dang.  I found out she had depression, and after breaking up with this boy she should've broken up with like a year ago, she was very closed off from people, especially me.  I guess I was really annoying her, and I found it really attractive for some reason.  Once she found out I liked her, she stopped talking to me, and that was really hard.  She really didn't mean harm, but it was so painful.  I confronted her about it, and it led to a fight that I still regret to this day.  But we've forgiven each other, and now we're back to being good friends.  I'm obviously not completely over her, but that's only because I still want to keep her as a friend.  She's taught me a lot, and has really made this year an exciting one.  She's so cool.  I know for a fact she looks good in a baseball cap.

Girl #4:

The girl that I've been talking about recently on this blog, and the girl who also found out I like them.  Like I've said before, she was very sweet about it, and we even went on a date last Saturday.  I met her Sophomore year; she was in my Physics class.  We didn't talk too much, and Junior year I went to her birthday party.  It was so awkward.  But then this year came, and we just told each other everything.  Obviously not everything, but we started to become really good friends, and to this day we really trust each other.  She helped me get over Girl #3, which was really sweet of her, but then I started liking her, so I'm a genius.  She's really given me confidence in who I am, and has always told me how amazing I am as a person.  We even read each others' Creative Writing blogs.  She has a boyfriend who has asked her to Prom, and I'm hoping he doesn't change by that time.  She deserves a good date to Prom.  Guess what she was wearing the day she told me she didn't like me?  A baseball cap.  She still looked good.

You see why it's so hard for me to pick just one girl?  I feel like I may never decide on one, which really worries me.  

All of these girls mean a lot to me, and I'd love to be with one of them the rest of my life.

Will that happen?

Probably not, but if it did, I'd be so happy.  

I didn't really mention these girls' outer appearance, but I can testify to their outer beauty.  

They have beautiful bodies and faces.  I'd be lying if I said I haven't at least once imagined having sex with them, which is really gross, and if you're one of the girls that this post is about, I'm so sorry.  I really am.  That was the old me.  The new me still wouldn't mind that, as long as we were married and I knew more about you than I do now.

I had to get that off my chest.

Back to addressing everyone!

I say these things because I care about them, I really do.  I just wanna show one of these girls how much I love them, but I'm gonna be leaving this area by July, and I'm worried that in July of 2017 they'll be married and not in contact with me anymore.

I just hope they fall in love with a person that's like me now, instead of a person that's like how I used to be.

The Post-Dance Inner Conversation

How do you think the date went?

To be honest, not that well.  I felt really awkward and like she wasn't having that much fun.

Well she told you she had one of the best nights of senior year!

Oh she was just saying that.  I didn't even compliment her on the date!

Well you complimented her afterwards, and I'm sure she knew you thought she was pretty.  I'm sure she noticed you seeing how beautiful she was.

And I'm sure it made her feel weird, because she knows I like her, and she probably thought I was checking her out.

No, she said she was having so much fun, and that she was comfortable around you.

Then why do I feel like I ruined everything?

Because you like her so much, and you wanted things to be "perfect."

Man, why do I like her so much?

Well, she's so interested about who you are, she's so nice about not liking you, she doesn't care about your past, she's proud of you for going on a mission, she's a talented actress, singer, and dancer, and I mean, look at her!  I can't blame you for not taking your eyes off her.

That last one was a little weird, but she doesn't like me the way I like her!  She never will.

There's always hope, but if things go well with the guy she's with now, shouldn't that make you happy?

I'd love to see her happy, I just wish it was me making her happy.

Of course you do, but if you really love her, you'll want her to be happy, no matter who it is.

But I... I just... Maybe you're right.  It's just so tough.  I feel like that date could've been better, and maybe if it was, she'd like me back.

She may not like you back, but that was one of the funnest nights of her senior year, and that wasn't her being sweet.  She really had fun, all because of you!  Doesn't that make you feel better?

I have a hard time believing it, but I should.  I wish that date could happen again, that way I could enjoy it better.  I was so worried about making sure things were "perfect" that I didn't focus on how fun the date actually was.  She was such a good date!  I feel so dumb.

Hey, don't worry about it.  Maybe you can ask her on another date sometime!

Would she want to?

Of course!  Last night was tons of fun.

Not for me.

Well maybe that was your fault.

Which is why I wanna ask her on another date!

Then do it, man!

My only other opportunity would probably be after the mission, and we'll probably never see each other after the mission.

Well she'll probably write you on your mission.  And if she doesn't, then maybe she's not worth it.

I'd hate to let her go, but maybe you're right, logical part of my brain.  Maybe you're right.

Embarrassment

Nelson, I'm just gonna go ahead and let you know that my last post was an experiment, and an awfully ballsy one at that.

The results?  The title of this post.

If you haven't read my last post, then it'll help this post make more sense, so you should go read it.

(For those who did, she read it too).

I'm okay with the embarrassment.  Sorta.

It just happened so fast, too fast.  Is that an alarm I hear?  (I make too many Last Five Years references on this blog thing).

Like you know when you're preparing to perform a monologue for some people, and then the next thing you know you're being told for the upteenth time that *insert name here* doesn't like you the same way?  By *insert name here*?

Well, I didn't until yesterday, so I'm not sure I should expect you to know the feeling, but it was weird, man.

She was so sweet about it too.  Like holy crap, that's never happened before.  And what she said was totally understandable, at least the part about her liking another guy.  She's with him for a reason, and I just need to respect that.

Not saying that I don't, but I just kinda wish I was him right now, you know?

And I really really really hope that he realizes how lucky he is to have her, because he is.

To the girl that this post is about, this is not a post intending to make you feel bad for not liking me, or call you out, because that's stupid and not true.

I'm just ranting, because I feel like I made things weird and awkward between us like I always do with girls, and you being so sweet about it made me like you even more yet make me really confused about our relationship and ugggfhhhh feelings.

I overanalyze, but I really am so confused, and I don't mean to blame you for anything, because I don't think you intended for me to feel this way about this situation or about you in general.  But I feel like we need to talk, I just don't know what about.

I feel like I need to apologize, but then I feel like you'll just tell me everything's okay and that we're fine.  But are we really fine?  Did I make things awkward between us?  Is this post making it more awkward?

I just feel embarrassed, like I can't even talk to you, because I'm not sure how to right now, and for that, I'm sorry.

The woods just won't feel the same anymore.

The Good News and The Good News

Do you wanna hear the good news first, or the good news?

Well too bad, I'm telling you the good news first.

The Good News:

She got over him.

It still made me sad when she decided to like someone else instead of me, but that leads me to... 

The Other Good News:

I got over her.

Yes, the girl I thought was my Shiksa Goddess turned out to not be who I thought she was.  Maybe I'm more like Jamie than I thought.

The next news could be either good or bad.

The Good/Bad News:

I like someone else now.

It's good, because I'm over the other girl, and this new girl is amazing in every way.  But it's bad, because she kinda has a boyfriend already.

Why I do this to myself, I don't know.

The journey of never having anyone like me back continues, which is kinda something I'm bringing upon myself, but hey, it's my life, I can do what I want.

It's an interesting situation, because I feel like we just work, you know?  But everytime I think we're really hitting it off, or I think she's flirting back, my thoughts kick in with,

"Dude, she likes the other guy, don't do this to yourself.  Or do, because that could be torturous, and I love torturing you, so I mean... Yeah, man.  Go for it."

Aren't my thoughts the worst?

I will say that this situation, for some reason, is more tolerable than the other one.  The other girl can have fun with her sophomore, I don't care, I really don't.  I actually hope things work out with that.

But the fact that the girl I like now has been helping me get over the other girl kinda makes me worry.  Because what if she finds out that I like her now instead of the other girl?  Would she still think encouraging me to get over the other girl was a good idea?

Will I still like this girl by the end of the year?  Do I even know enough about this girl to start liking her?  I don't know.

But do you want to know something I'm like 90% sure about?

She's probably reading this post right now.

Coffee with God

If you had the opportunity to sit down with God, talking about your life over a cup of coffee, how would you feel?

Would you feel happy?  Intrigued?  Confused?  Afraid?

Would you ask Him about all of the tragedies in your life?  Your families' life?  The world?

What kind of food do you think God would order?  Would He order what you ordered?

Would He show you the answers of your life to you as if your life was a movie?

"Ah, I love this part!"

"That was so sad."

"That was pretty embarrassing, but it doesn't matter."

Was that Him talking or you?

How about the little things that happen in your life?  Did He do those on purpose?

What music do you think God listens to?  Would He show you Mozart or Eminem?  Does God have any originals?  A whole album?

Does He enjoy poetry?  Could He recite Walt Whitman off the top of His head?

Is God a nerd or a jock?  Would He explain to you how He created the Earth and how it works or would He explain to you how the game of basketball works?

Would you ask Him for advice?  Would you actually listen to it?

Would you ask Him about the worthiness of your soul?  If there's a certain way to live your life?

What does He think of the amount of religions there are?  Or the amount of languages?

After this chat with God, would you give Him a hug?  Would He want one?

God may be more powerful than us,

But God could be more like us than you think.

To Be Modest or "Hottest"

Alright, I need to talk about this, secrets and all.

Modesty is so important.  Trust me.

You are much more attractive when you cover up, ladies, you really are.

Showing off your body does more than you think.  You may think it's just your legs, or your back, or your boobs, but those are attractive things to the heterosexual male mind.

Anytime I'm in the halls, and I can see a girls legs, or cleavage, no matter how "good" they look, I instantly think,

"She's not for me."

Now I'm not saying every girl should aim to have me as an option, but I'm not the only person who thinks this.

The reason I think it?

Because a girl who shows off her body just doesn't seem like someone who'd commit to just me.  I want a girl that only shows her body to me.

Is that selfish?

I hope not.

But what is selfish, to me, is thinking that "guys should just control their thoughts."

I'm sorry, but do you realize how insensitive that is?  There are so many guys doing their best to keep their thoughts clean, but news flash:

THE FEMALE BODY IS REALLY FREAKING ATTRACTIVE

And when I see skin instead of clothing, I can't help but be attracted to that.  I don't want to, I really don't, but it's just what happens.  I can look away and do my best to filter that out, but you're making it so much harder on me, which doesn't seem nice to me, and I definitely don't want to be with a woman like that.

Confession Time!

I used to be addicted to pornography.

I've been away from porn for several months now, but I still struggle with sexual thoughts.

And guess what?

Girls showing off their body are not helping me at all.

If it's expected of me to control my thoughts, then why can't it be expected of girls to control their clothing?

Like really, is it that hard to cover up?

I'd love to not wear pants at all; pants are just uncomfortable to me.  But I cover up my legs and "goods" anyway, because I don't want people seeing that, even if they "look good."  It'd be comfortable for me at first, but making other people uncomfortable makes me uncomfortable, and it should make you uncomfortable too.

You're probably really grossed out right now, but seeing immodest girls at school is gross, because it just reminds me of my porn days, and porn is absolutely disgusting.

I'm a male, I naturally have sexual urges.  The least you can do is cover those parts to help a brother out.

How am I supposed to respect you when you're driving the evil desire naturally instilled in male minds?

The male population and I can do better to control our thoughts, but I'm sick of girls practically being naked and wanting men to not think of them as objects.

The only men you attract when you show off your body are the men that will abuse you, objectify you, and make you feel miserable.

Don't you want to show off your body to the one person you know won't abuse you, objectify you, or judge you?

You don't want a man who wants your body, you want a man who loves your body.

And that means he doesn't want to be with you just to have sex.

He wants to be with you because you're a person, not a body.

If you're gonna expose anything, expose your personality, because whatever you expose is what guys will go for.

I say this because I mainly love women for their personalities, not just their bodies.

I love a good body just as much as the next guy, but I don't want to love a body.

I want to love somebody.

I Know There's Something More

Life is a beautiful thing, hardships and all.

Sure, life can suck sometimes, or a lot of the time, but it's just such a cool feeling to know that you're part of the 7 billion people that are lucky enough to be breathing right now.

Despite there being 7 billion people in the world, only one can make a difference.

Just one.

That's right, I'm talking about you, baby.

Realize that life is not meaningless or boring; there's something more.

I believe that there is a God, and that God made this Earth freaking beautiful.

There are terrible things on this Earth, don't get me wrong, but God's the one who gave us free will in the first place, and with free will, we tend to do some stupid stuff.

So my challenge to you?

Don't do something stupid, because there's more to life than just breathing, eating, pooping, and sleeping.

And it's not about killing, raping, torturing, bullying, stealing, or PDAing either.

It's about connecting with yourself, with other people, and with God.

And forgive how hippie this next sentence sounds, but the way to connect is with love.

To love another person is to see the face of God.

Les Miserables gets it.

And so does Tyrone Wells.  Please click the link at the end of this post, and really pay attention to the words.

This song is beautiful.

This world is beautiful.

You are beautiful.

Go make the world more beautiful.

(Click this, because it's really good.)

WARNING: RANTY LOVE POST

I'm sorry that my hair isn't as stylish as his.

I'm sorry that my smile isn't as captivating as his.

I'm sorry that I can't sing as high as he can.

I'm sorry that I can't play the guitar as naturally as he can.

I'm sorry that I can't tickle the ivories as beautifully as he can.

I'm sorry that his songwriting skills are better than mine.

I'm sorry that he's just so dreamy.

I'm sorry that I haven't kissed as many girls as he has.

I'm sorry that he isn't good in relationships.

I'm sorry that he flirts with every breathing girl, including you.

I'm sorry that people think you're stupid for liking him.

But can I say something?

My hair is stylish, some days more stylish than others.

My smile is pretty freaking good.

I can sing high.

I can play the guitar.

I can play the piano.

I wrote a song about you.

I'm more funny than dreamy, but humor's attractive, isn't it?

I haven't kissed anyone.

I haven't been in a relationship.

I only flirt with you, and I'm awkward with it, and awkward is cute, right?

I'm sorry that you like him.

There, I said it.

But do you know what else I'm sorry about?

I'm sorry that he's not like you.

I'm sorry that I'm not like you.

The funny thing is,

I don't believe the latter, but you do.