My Shiksa Goddess

This post will not be perfect, but it will be dear to me; like her.  I will use the f bomb, I will probably give away who I am if you really know me well, and I will try my best to not be the biggest cheeseball, even though we're talking about my favorite subject; the girl I love.

But do I really love her?

Well, she's not from Hebrew school, so that's a start.  It's also a reference to the title of this post.  

Okay, now I'm gonna get serious.

Even after starting a fight with her that has made things even more awkward between us, I think I love her.

Those gorgeous blue eyes say so many things to my boring brown ones.  They tell me how hurt she is, how alone she feels,

How they can't see her beauty.

And that is so painful for me to see, because someone that beautiful should not feel like they aren't.

I don't just think she's beautiful because she has so many great qualities; it's the way she expresses those qualities.

Like the way her hair dances when she walks.

The way she sings.

The way she laughs.

The way she looks sad.

The way she has a hard time with conversations.

The way she told me she doesn't love me.

My friends tell me everyday that I just need to get over her, probably the same way that they tell her to just get over him.  But even she knows that it's not that simple.

And my friends will also mock her for liking him in an attempt to make me feel better.  And although I keep my cool and nod when they say that, my real response is this:

Don't you fucking say that about the most beautiful human being on this Earth.  Sure, she makes mistakes, but mocking her for them does not make me feel better.  You will hurt me more by hurting her. 

She always talks about how she doesn't feel like she has any friends and that no one cares about her.  Yet she's pushing away the one person that I know for fact cares about her more than anything.

Me.

And I can't get mad at her for it, even though nothing hurts worse than having the person you love most tell you "you're just not my type."

But actually, the thing that makes it even worse is that it might actually be true.

That's why love is so confusing and frustrating, and you hope it'll make sense in the end, but it just doesn't.

And even though one of my dream roles to play in a musical is Raoul from Phantom of the Opera, I'm the Phantom, she's Christine, and he's Raoul.

All I ask is that I remain inside her mind.