I Can't Be Done

My life has felt the same as long as I've lived.  Sure, there have been changes, but I haven't had the biggest change; love.

I've never been in a relationship.

I've never had my first kiss.

I've never even had a girl like me back.

And to be honest, it's really annoying and boring living the same life that I've lived these almost 18 years.

I just want things to be different, but if nothing's changed these past 17 years, I don't feel like anything like that will happen to me soon, which just makes me want to not live anymore.

I've been on the brink of suicide before, and as much as I'd like to say I've had good reasons, I haven't, and I still don't.

I try and do things to make life more exciting, but nothing really works.  I'm always not doing something like I want to.

There's always people that are better than me, and there's people that care about me that I don't believe, which makes me feel terrible.

I'm a nice person, but I'm also super shallow, which I blame a past addiction for.

I just want someone to love me like I love them.

And the fact that that's never happened with anyone yet keeps me up at night way too much.

I'm done.

I'm done.

I'm done.

And yet I can't be done, because even if I don't see it,

I have something to live for.