This Episode Really Isn't Kind

We've had too many "I'm here for you"s and "You are loved"s to realize that they're not kind; they're meaningless.  And if there's no meaning in the sentiment, you're making people think that they are meaningless.

I want to talk about suicide, and him, because I want this to be known.

Suicide may not be the answer, but blame isn't either.

Those who think suicide is a selfish act are the selfish ones.

"They didn't think about us, they only thought about themself."

That is absolutely sick and wrong.  How dare you turn their feelings and sorrow that they didn't even mean to have onto you?

Those who have killed themselves were not themselves when they did it.  He knew he had people that cared about him, and he cared about people, but Depression didn't.

He didn't kill himself; Depression did.  And to blame him for that is uncalled for.

He was an amazing kid, and that choice "he" made does not make him any less amazing.  I believe he's still figuring things out, and although he hurt us with "his" choice, he was hurting before it happened.

Were you?

He didn't mean to hurt anyone.  You have to think about his pain.  And if you can't do that, then you're the selfish one.

Suicide is a terrible option, but he was not a terrible person.

And in case you don't think I put any effort or heart into this post, or that I didn't even know him,

Tell me what the first letter of every word in the title spells.

I Can't Be Done

My life has felt the same as long as I've lived.  Sure, there have been changes, but I haven't had the biggest change; love.

I've never been in a relationship.

I've never had my first kiss.

I've never even had a girl like me back.

And to be honest, it's really annoying and boring living the same life that I've lived these almost 18 years.

I just want things to be different, but if nothing's changed these past 17 years, I don't feel like anything like that will happen to me soon, which just makes me want to not live anymore.

I've been on the brink of suicide before, and as much as I'd like to say I've had good reasons, I haven't, and I still don't.

I try and do things to make life more exciting, but nothing really works.  I'm always not doing something like I want to.

There's always people that are better than me, and there's people that care about me that I don't believe, which makes me feel terrible.

I'm a nice person, but I'm also super shallow, which I blame a past addiction for.

I just want someone to love me like I love them.

And the fact that that's never happened with anyone yet keeps me up at night way too much.

I'm done.

I'm done.

I'm done.

And yet I can't be done, because even if I don't see it,

I have something to live for.

Bricks Are (Not That) Exciting

I honestly have no clue what to write concerning bricks, so I'm not sure what you should expect.

Bricks are tangible, which is actually quite nice to feel something physically.

Because if it's physical, you know for sure that it's real.

But things that are "real" aren't really that exciting.  Like how often do you even look at a brick?

I walked into Creative Writing the other day and found a brick on my desk.  That was the first time in years that I had even seen a brick, let alone touched one.  

I'll admit it wasn't the greatest surprise I've ever experienced, but since we had been talking about love, it was nice to actually know what I was feeling.

It just wasn't an exciting feeling.

Baeless on Valentine's

Because I did not have a significant other on Valentine's Day, and because I've never had a significant other, I would like to talk about significant others.

I've hit the point in life where I want to be in a relationship, but the one person I want to be in a relationship with doesn't want one with me, and even if that opportunity opened up to me, I probably wouldn't take it.  

I don't feel ready.

I'm also about to do that thing where you tell people in some part of the world about Jesus, so now's probably not a good time to get into a relationship anyway.  But I'd be such a good boyfriend.

I've been the third wheel of WAY too many relationships to realize what is right and what is wrong, yet I'm afraid to actually practice that with someone.  I want the first person I get into a relationship with to be the person I marry.

Divorce has always been my number one fear, which was heightened when my parents got one, because I like it when things work.  I like it when people don't give up.  

I hate it when love fails.

The main reason I don't want a relationship is because I know I will spend way too much time on her.  My friend group was almost ruined last year because of my friends overobsessing over their baes, and I don't want to do that to anyone.

But at the same time, I want a girl that I can talk about anything with, hold hands with, laugh with, cry with, sing with, dance with, fight with, and lip kiss with from time to time.  I want to treat one girl better than the rest, and I want her to be okay with it.

I want to make someone else feel beautiful.

I want to make her feel beautiful.

But since that won't happen soon, I think I just need to accept the fate that I'm not ready for a relationship right now.  I'd probably mess something up and go, 

"What, how did I do that?!  So-and-so did that and it was stupid, and I said I'd never do that, and girls, and I'm a dumb, and asdfjgkjdgfkjadghf!!"

As you can see, my brain is a roller coaster.  I just want to find a girl that's willing to take the ride and enjoy it.

And my only fear besides divorce is that I may never find that girl.

My Shiksa Goddess

This post will not be perfect, but it will be dear to me; like her.  I will use the f bomb, I will probably give away who I am if you really know me well, and I will try my best to not be the biggest cheeseball, even though we're talking about my favorite subject; the girl I love.

But do I really love her?

Well, she's not from Hebrew school, so that's a start.  It's also a reference to the title of this post.  

Okay, now I'm gonna get serious.

Even after starting a fight with her that has made things even more awkward between us, I think I love her.

Those gorgeous blue eyes say so many things to my boring brown ones.  They tell me how hurt she is, how alone she feels,

How they can't see her beauty.

And that is so painful for me to see, because someone that beautiful should not feel like they aren't.

I don't just think she's beautiful because she has so many great qualities; it's the way she expresses those qualities.

Like the way her hair dances when she walks.

The way she sings.

The way she laughs.

The way she looks sad.

The way she has a hard time with conversations.

The way she told me she doesn't love me.

My friends tell me everyday that I just need to get over her, probably the same way that they tell her to just get over him.  But even she knows that it's not that simple.

And my friends will also mock her for liking him in an attempt to make me feel better.  And although I keep my cool and nod when they say that, my real response is this:

Don't you fucking say that about the most beautiful human being on this Earth.  Sure, she makes mistakes, but mocking her for them does not make me feel better.  You will hurt me more by hurting her. 

She always talks about how she doesn't feel like she has any friends and that no one cares about her.  Yet she's pushing away the one person that I know for fact cares about her more than anything.

Me.

And I can't get mad at her for it, even though nothing hurts worse than having the person you love most tell you "you're just not my type."

But actually, the thing that makes it even worse is that it might actually be true.

That's why love is so confusing and frustrating, and you hope it'll make sense in the end, but it just doesn't.

And even though one of my dream roles to play in a musical is Raoul from Phantom of the Opera, I'm the Phantom, she's Christine, and he's Raoul.

All I ask is that I remain inside her mind.

I'm More Than An Animal

What makes us human?

To me, the answer lies in the fact that humans have a spirit.  There is a reason that many stable and well-rounded people are the way they are; it's because they have gotten in touch with their spiritual side.

But what does that mean?

It means that humans do not spend their days nor find purpose in just hunting for food and cooking it only for the purpose of just "staying alive."  The real reason we "stay alive" is because we know that there's a purpose to being here, and that there's more to life than just surviving.

It's about living.

And you cannot truly live until you've realized that you are not a dog, or a monkey, or a horse, or a cat, or anything of the sort.

You are a human being.

A human being.

God gave you dominion over all those other animals, and that means He gave you the ability to think like Him.

He gave you the ability to think beyond yourself, and to find out for yourself why it's so important to love.

He freaking gave you the ability to not even believe in His existence.

And that is powerful and mysterious.

Classic God.

I want you to realize that God gave you the ability to be like Him, to find inspiration in this world, to find other people with the same ability, and to love them.

Go out and love,

Go out and be powerful.

Is It Taboo to You?

From Adam and Eve to now, the world is completely different, and not just in the shape of the land masses.

All over the world there are several different customs and traditions.  Did those just "happen"?

Why is it wrong to put up a middle finger in America, but in most other places it's just raising your middle finger?

Why would it be weird for two guys to hold hands in America, but a perfectly normal custom in Saudi Arabia?

The above picture started tons of controversy in America, but probably not in Saudi Arabia.

Unless they don't like Bush, then it probably did.

How did these differing views come about?  

Did Adam hold hands with other men?

Was the middle finger just a finger?  

I want you to think about the things you do and think about how many of those things are influenced by the people around you, or the country you live in, and then ask yourself,

Does it even matter?

The Monsters Under My Bed Escaped

I have finally figured out what the monsters under my bed are, and they're not what my childhood-self imagined.

As you could probably figure out from my pen name, I imagined Dark and Ghost type Pokemon under my bed, waiting for me to fall asleep so they could haunt my dreams.

Those nightmares were some of the best things I ever imagined, despite the fact that they made me wake up to a pee-stained bed.

But the real monsters are not ones that make me pee my pants, but ones that I'd enjoy peeing on, because I despise them.

Super gross analogy, but childhood is filled with loads of potty humor, so I hope this is bringing back memories.

The fact that you realized how gross that analogy was probably means that you've grown up.

You've realized that pee isn't the core to any funny joke, but rather it's the body's way of getting rid of toxins.

How boring is that?

And boring is the exact characteristic that describes the monsters under my bed, because there turned out to not be any actual monsters under there.

They didn't escape from under my bed, but they escaped from my heart and head.

And they didn't turn out to be Pokemon; they were people.

People that ruined my creativity.

People that took my crayons away, and I wasn't even a big fan of crayons as a child.

But if I ever found my box of crayons again, I would hold onto them and never let them go, and not Rose from Titanic's version of never letting go.

Why?

Because I'd know that my crayons escaped the monsters under my bed.

And my reality could have color like it used to.....