Sayounara

The weight of two years hasn't quite hit me yet, but maybe that's because when you really think about it, two years is not a long time.

But it is.

Because it'll go by super fast for me, but I don't know if it will for my friends and family.  And I'm afraid of where everyone will be once I get back.  I'm afraid a lot of people I care about now will be gone.

I'm beyond excited to be going to the country I've always wanted to go to, but all of this work will change me more than any normal visit to Japan.

I'm one of those people where something doesn't really hit me until long after it's happened.  It's hard for me to think that there's an end to things, because I have this eternal perspective that not only comforts me, but also makes me somewhat apathetic.

Like it's just now kicked in what I'm getting myself into, and I'm nervous, and I'm scared, but... I'm ready.

I've found out that this is the time where I need to go, a time to just focus on the work of the One who created me, and less about myself.

I'm excited to see the changes that happen to me, but I'm more excited to see the changes that happen to the Japanese people.

I'll see you in two, minasan.

It's not over yet,

Elder Brailsford

The Indescribable Eye-Color

She has said several times that because of a stroke, her eyes are sometimes "off", and that's why she doesn't like them.

But part of me likes it when she complains about her eyes, because then I have a good excuse to look at them.  They're absolutely beautiful.

Indescribable.

If the most beautiful shade of green and the most beautiful shade of brown had a baby, the product would be her eyes.  They are literally captivating.

I've never really been mesmerized by a girl's eyes before, but with hers I've actually had to snap myself out of looking at them, no joke.

Everytime she says, "My eyes are probably crooked!" I look at them and say, "No they're not, they're beautiful."  And I mean it.  I never want to look away.

Especially if the beauty of her eyes reflect the beauty of her soul.

I'm Still Confused

I still don't know if the feeling is mutual.

I was okay with "funny" and "cute," but I didn't think "male" was the issue.  And no, she's not a lesbian.

Stadium of (She Was) Fire

Tonight Journey told me someday love would find me, but it didn't find me tonight.  Probably because we were with my family, so that could've been weird.  But she was fire.

That was probably the best date of my life, and considering my family was there, that's saying something.

I just wanted to keep taking SnapChat videos not only because Journey was so dang good, but because me getting her to rock out was the cutest thing to watch.  It was so fun being myself and having her laugh.

I don't think she feels the same way, but I do at the same time.  It's really weird.

Tonight was the best, it truly was.  Of course I was awkward at times and of course we didn't get to know that much about each other, but I felt like we really bonded, and that was cool.

We reacted the same way to basically everything that happened tonight, and I was like, "We have the same brain and she's beautiful, what a freaking day to be alive!"

I believe something can happen, and I'd love for something to happen, but I just don't want to rush anything.  And I won't stop believing (as Journey would say).

You know how in movies when the guy is staring love-struck at the girl when she's looking at something else and girls think it's super cute?  Yeah, I was doing that a lot tonight.  Like a lot, because she was so beautiful.

There were fireworks and legendary rock bands playing, but I just wanted to look at her the whole time.  Watching her take it all in was the best part.

She's just such a fun person, and that was with my family.  I can't imagine what a date without my family would be like, but it sounds like it'd be too good to be true.

My arms are wide open, Ms Davis, even though Journey didn't even play that song tonight.  Will you come to me, or do I have to come to you?

You Are Not Ordinary

You may have a very "ordinary" name, but you are not ordinary.  You're something extra... Extraordinary (don't worry, I know that was stupid).

I feel like I know who you are.  You're seen as the sidekick.  The third-wheel.  The hot yet not as popular one... Like me (also stupid, I know).  You even have a twin, which could make you feel even more sidekickish.

But you are more than a sidekick to me.  We've third-wheeled together.  And you are definitely hot.

Also, I hope you don't feel that way around your twin, because you are beautiful just the way you are.  I wish I could tell you that.

But the problem with individuals that you think are right for you is that you're not sure if they feel the same way, and it makes you kinda really want to explode, wondering if you trying to pull a move will pull her closer.

We have 0 performances to make something happen backstage, and we have 7 days to make something happen between us.  I hate that I would just leave you after such a small time, but the only amount of time that seems smaller than that is times I get to spend with you.

That's definitely not enough time for fornication, so your mom wouldn't have to worry about anything (inside joke).

One of your best friends and one of mine have made something, and I don't know if it'd be weird or not if we tried to make something.

I just think you're beautiful (like really beautiful), and I want more than 4 hours a day to see you.  And I even want more of you in those 4 hours.

I just don't want you to be another girl that he takes from me.

I knew I really liked you when I got jealous, even though he probably doesn't actually like you.

I just don't really know a thing about you, but something is telling me that I should.

And I hope you're being told the same thing.

A Formal Acceptance of Apology

Dear you know who you are,

I first want you to know that I really did cry when I said I did, and you know I don't really cry, so I want you to know that I really regretted those quotation marks.

I never want you to think that you're not worthy of my friendship, because you totally are.  I find it interesting that I don't feel worthy enough to be your friend, and you don't feel worthy enough to be mine, but as the popular musical Wicked sang it best, "we deserve each other."  We really do.

I need someone that can laugh at my stupidity and that I can just say whatever random thing comes to mind and not feel like an idiot, and you need that too, I know you do.

I wish you could see yourself through my eyes.  Because with my eyes, no matter how "scary" you think you really are, you're still going to be beautiful to me, and I promise that won't change.

Because when we hung out today after not seeing each other for like two weeks, even when your body was not happy with you and you felt like you were gonna die/kill me, I still thought, "Wow, I can never leave this girl.  For starters, her hugs, wow, unbelievable.  Second, she's absolutely gorgeous.  Third, her humor is totally the same as mine, like she's just super hilarious.  Fourth, her mind is beautiful.  The way she tells stories, the creative things she comes up with, it's amazing.  There's so much more, but I'm gonna shut up now and keep listening to her."

Seriously, you inspire me to keep being a good person, and our friendship just makes sense.  Like, I'm always comfortable around you, no matter what.  I was nervous that after two weeks things would be super awkward, but we actually had a really good conversation, and I walked away glad that I was still able to talk to you.

You are such an amazing person, and I want you to realize that I am always here for you.  I could've given up on you months ago, but losing you would be like losing a part of myself, and not in some cheesy romantic way.  Though it may feel like I don't, I trust you, and I'm really hoping that you'll realize that you can trust me, because I wouldn't trade you for the world.

I have never regretted meeting you.  From the moment I met you I loved who you were as a person, and to become your best friend this last year was and still is an honor.  Please keep being my friend, please.

I don't care how irrational you get, or how hard it is sometimes to deal with you, because it's worth it.

I'm sorry for the quotation marks.  They were not fair to you, because you've done more for me than any other person, and you worry about me, which is really sweet.

I want you to know that I worry about you everyday, but that's because I care, and I'm here, and I want to help you always.  I don't feel any sort of romantic feelings for anyone right now, and I hate saying the "L" word, because it's really strong to me, but I love you.

I really truly love you, no quotation marks attached.

You are so worthy of my friendship, please don't doubt that.

And you are more than just words; you are human.  You are flawed but you are a work of art.  There is still a lot of time and effort being put into you, and it's making you even more beautiful and real, which is hard for me to believe that you can get any more beautiful and real, but it will happen.  I'm excited to see the person you've become when I get off my mission, and once you get off yours.

I'm sorry I made you feel like an inadequate friend, you are not a horrible person.  I love you no matter what, okay?

I accept your apology, even though you didn't have to be sorry about any of that stuff.

Keep fighting, keep believing, and keep growing.  And thanks for helping me with all three of those.

- your best friend

Kinda Really Hate Myself Right Now

Sorry, sad post, but this is my blog, so here:

I can't talk to anyone without feeling like I'm either gonna hurt someone else's feelings or like no even cares about me or what I have to say.  Because any time I speak I instantly feel judged, and then I feel stupid, and then I feel like everyone hates me, and then I hate myself.  I feel like a good person, but to everyone else, I guess I'm not good enough.

"Is anybody out there?

Feels like I'm talking to

Myself."

When I'm supposed to be the honest blog, even though I just deleted a lot of what I was gonna say, half because it would hurt people's feelings, and the other half because I feel like you don't even care.  Girls always say they want a guy that's confident, but how the hell am I supposed to be confident when no girl even wants to think about spending eternity with me?

I hate everything right now, including myself, and that makes me feel like every girl I know has just taken me off of their list.  Can you please just let me be sad like you always are and give me a chance?

I want to make someone happy for the rest of forever, but with girls constantly saying how great of a friend I am, the idea of eternal love sounds unobtainable and ridiculous, which just makes me an even worse candidate for a husband.

And now I'm gonna spend two years in a country I'm supposed to be happy about going to, but right now it's ruining my chances of love even more.  See, this whole post is just ridiculous, and no one is probably even gonna find it, because people only ever cared about this blog when there was a grade attached to it.  And how I've changed my mind about a lot of things on this blog, including my "best friend."

I just feel like a terrible person, and I want to feel like a terrible person without being labeled as, "not confident enough," because I would feel confident if people weren't hypocrites.  See, I'm even name calling now.

Whatever, this post is stupid, I'm stupid, blah blah blah sorry for the disappointing post after a long while of nothing.

I just want someone to prove to me how untrue this post is.

Loving Your Best Friend (Updated)

I read this for the Final Slam, and it's an old blog post, but I changed some things, added a quote I wrote to the beginning, added lyrics to the song I referenced and sang when I did this live, and added a picture of something.  For those of you who were there, thank you for reacting.  It made me feel good:

"Trying to do the impossible is the best feeling in the world.
That's why love is so rewarding.
You're trying to make 1+1=1,
and when you keep getting closer to the solution,
That's love."

It's late, and I may regret this, but I have reached a conundrum.  And yes, like always, it's a girl.

The girl herself is not the conundrum; it's me liking her.

I normally talk about other girls to her, because I talk to her about a lot of things, but now, it's weird.

Because now I like her, and how can I talk to her about her?

I can't, that's how.  And I hate it.

Because sure, I can talk to her about a girl I like, but then when I'm talking to her about the one girl, I realize how beautiful she is, and it's... frustrating.

Because now I feel weird talking to my best friend, because I want to be more than best friends with her, and her instinct to me pretending to kiss her led to her making a noise resembling that of a dinosaur.

I know I was joking then, and you were joking, but if I actually wanted to kiss you, would you be okay with that?  Because guess what?  I really want to kiss you.

I kept thinking about you the whole time I was at my stepfamily's house, and I wasn't sure why, but then I realized something.

I missed you.

And I've spent several days away from a family I love before, and I didn't even miss them.

But I missed you, and I didn't know how to feel about it, and I still don't.

I would be such a good boyfriend to you, and you know that, but I kinda wish it was actually a thing.

And I know that in a few months I'll be in Japan, but I just wish I could tell you how much I love you.

How the only reason I like B-days is because I get to see you and talk to you for that little bit in the morning, even though you're always super tired, yet you look so adorable.

How you laugh at the dumb little things I say that people don't normally hear me say but that I find hilarious.  Because I'm funny, and I love how you notice it.  And don't even get me started on that cute laugh.

How you write beautiful songs, and we had that silly little Disney Channel moment during intermission of Winter's Tale, and even if you thought I was just being funny, I was, but I was also captivated by how beautifully you play music.

How despite you sometimes doing things that bug me, saying something that I don't agree with, or saying that I'm wrong about something, I still can't help myself from remaining your friend, because we just make sense as friends.  And I think we'd make sense as romantic partners.  Heck, everyone else thinks we're dating, so that should be some sort of sign.

Look, I'm not guilt-tripping you to be my girlfriend, because it's a little late for that at this point.  But I really hope you're still around when I get back from Japan.  And if you're in some other part of the world doing the same thing I'm gonna do in Japan when I get back, then I'll probably wait for you.

I feel like you're better than me, which is exactly the kind of person I want to fall in love with.  You are so freaking beautiful.  Like oh my goodness.  Personality, face, body, talent, you.  It's all perfect.

You know that song we sing together to prove to people that we sound good together?

"Would you let me
See beneath your beautiful
Would you let me
See beneath your perfect
Take it off now, girl
Take it off now, girl
I wanna see inside
Would you let me
See beneath your beautiful
Tonight"

That's literally how I feel about you.  If we do end up getting married, and that song doesn't play at our wedding, then WE DONE MESSED UP, SON.

In all seriousness, we still have a lot to learn about each other, and a lot of trust to build, but the best day of my life would be to realize that I can spout off any fact about you, kiss you whenever I want, and tell you "I love you" everyday.

And for you to be okay with it.

I Wanted To Cry

I just spoke at my Seminary Graduation, and I touched lives.

And I was so close to crying, but I couldn't do it, and I hate that.

Because I've always wanted to cry at things, but I haven't been able to.

I've cried by myself a few times during high school, but I've never expressed it to people.  And I'm very self-conscious about that.

Because it makes me worried about the really important things coming up in my life.

What if I don't cry when I first step foot in Japan?

What if I don't cry when I baptize my first investigator on my mission?

What if I don't cry when my dad gets married?

What if I don't cry when I get married?

Because if I don't cry when I get married, then I'm gonna feel like the worst husband ever.

But if I do cry... I'll lose it.  It'll be Niagra Falls The Sequel.

Because if I cry, then I'll know she's right for me.

But I'm still worried, because I told my whole Stake that I used to not be worthy to serve a mission, but that I've changed.

It touched people, but I guess it didn't touch me.

I want to cry so bad, because I hate when a water balloon pops while you're filling it up.

I wanted to cry.

Why didn't I cry?

I need to cry.

Because I need the life changing moments to actually change my life.

If I'm not crying when any of my children born, then I'll be crying about it later; for the wrong reason.

I've had too many sad tears, but never any happy ones.

I want happy ones.

So to my future wife, if I cry at our wedding, then you'll know that I'll love you forever, and that you'll have helped me finally achieve my number one goal in life.

Please make me cry.

I need you to make me cry.

Because I need to love you.

And I need to love life.

I need to love myself.

My Life Story With Emphasis On The Usual Love Stuff That's On This Blog

I admit that this blog post is hard, because my whole blog has felt like #realtalk.

But even though I've been super honest on this blog, you all still don't know a lot about me.  So here's an attempt to better understand my life and what's going on.

So I was born on June 14, 1997 in Tallahasee, Florida, to then John and Ileana Brailsford.  I only had two older brothers at the time, because my sister wasn't born yet; she wouldn't come until 2 years later.  I don't remember anything about Florida, because when I was one month old, my family moved to Las Vegas, Nevada.

I lived in Las Vegas for 9 years.  It was honestly some of the best 9 years of my life.  I did stupid stuff, like wet the bed and kissed my cousin once, but life was simple.  Homework was easy, I only ever had a crush on one girl, and I had two other class clowns on my side.

But then, everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked.

AKA I moved to Highland, Utah.

Where the first thing a kid at school ever said to me was, "You have a big head."

That kid was Carter Childs, who goes to AF now, and we don't talk much, but we ended up becoming good friends at the time.

That was 4th grade, and I didn't have a crush on anyone until 6th grade.  The closest I got to romance back then was in 4th grade when I accidentally put my arm around Kasidy Reynolds, and I promise that was an accident.

But things weren't always bad back then, in fact, they were rather nice.  My first day of church I met one of my best friends; John Stout.  We were two kids obsessed with Nintendo, night games, and dogs.  I also met another one of my best friends; Josh Zabriskie.  Prepare for a lot of Joshes, because there are a lot in my life.

Josh and I hung out everyday that summer, which basically just consisted of playing video games and eating junk food and walking around Highland.  Now, Josh Z and I don't talk much, sadly.

Then I got acquainted with other friends in that ward; Josh Stoddard and Josh Whitmer.  See, told you.  Josh Stoddard and I didn't really become friends until 5th grade, when he came to Mountainville Academy, and every Friday after school we'd walk to Highland Elementary to meet up with John, Josh, Josh, and Todd.  Todd Stout, John's cousin, is the person who got me interested in Japan.

But then, everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked.

AKA I was actually introduced to The Last Airbender, I moved from Mountainville to Highland Elementary, and I started getting back in the love game.  AKA the no-one-will-love-Stephen-back game.  This game goes all the way to present day.

My 6th grade crush was Megan Smoot, and she knew that I liked her.  This would become a pattern for the rest of my schooling career.

Because in 8th grade I liked Madeline McEwan.

9th grade I liked Nikole Zitting and Kelsea Kocherhans and Carlie Halls.

Sophomore year I liked Abby Newell and Maddie Wheadon.

Junior year I liked Katherine Bennett and Rylee Ollerton and Carlie Halls again.

Senior year I liked Kelsea Kocherhans again and Kayla Edgel and Em Pew and Ali Fisher.

All of these girls in one way or another found out I liked them, and it honestly sucked.  Because that's so many beautiful girls that just wanted me as a friend.

And that's alright, because now I have no romance regret stories, and I'm leaving on a mission soon, and I highly doubt all of these girls will be married by the time I get back, so I have some hope.

But enough about love for a sec, let's talk about some other stuff.  Like how I cracked my head open and got 8 staples in my head one time.  Like how I've been learning Japanese for basically 5 years now, and how I'm actually going to Japan on a mission like I've wanted to.  God must love me.

Or how my parents are divorced, and they told me they were getting one a few days after I got out of the hospital, which I was put in for lack of hydration, because I threw up like 4528 times.  That was a terrible week.

How when I was 14 I started losing my faith, because I started getting addicted to pornography.  But I've now vowed to always be a Latter-day Saint, because thinking back on that time where I didn't have my faith makes me realize that I didn't have myself.  Because I am a son of God, and to doubt that would mean doubting my ability.

I became weak and disgusting and confused.  But then I found my way back, with a little help from my bishop, Jesus, and Em Pew.  And I can't thank them enough.

So let me go back to love, because I've talked about loving Em recently on my blog, but she's not the only person I'm interested in right now.  Let's just say it's still Senior year.

It was almost as if God was taunting me this year, especially recently, because now most of the girls I like don't have boyfriends anymore, which means I could try and "swoop in", but I can't.  Because right now I'd be a terrible boyfriend.  Why?  Because I don't just like one girl.

I see myself marrying Em, but I can't help but like other girls as well.  And that kinda sucks, because I feel like that'll hurt her feelings, but I'm supposed be real and honest with this, aren't I?

I still have feelings for Kelsea.  I've done a lot better at keeping our friendship and not making things weird, because her and Oakley like each other now, but I still find her so beautiful.  And it sucks that I'll probably never get the chance to date her, because now we've become best friends, and we've been through so much to get to this point that I feel like it can't go down hill from here.  Unless, you know, I openly confess my feelings on a blog.

But Kelsea you shouldn't feel weird because you're not the only one.  Kayla is still super attractive to me, and she just broke up with Jackson, and I knew it would happen from the beginning, and not because of Kayla.  It was so sad to see my predictions come true, because I still cared about her and knew that he just wasn't right for her.  You're probably just finding out that I like you, Kayla, but I want you to find someone amazing, because you deserve it.  You're beautiful.

But then there's Ali, who just broke up with Jake, and it really sucks that that didn't work out, because I was actually starting to think that they were cute together.  But I think she's better without him.  Ali, do you remember what you said when you told me you didn't like me that way?  You said, "I just need to see if things will work out with Jake."  So now that things didn't work out, I'm not sure what's going to happen, because I don't want to date you now, because we'd only have two months, which is way worse than four.  But I still think you're beautiful.

And now there's Emily Paulson.  I'm with the Beach Boys on wishing they all could be California girls, because wow.  This girl has changed my life with who she is, and I just can't believe how beautiful she is.  She lights up the world like the California sun.  Emily, you're going to find someone amazing one day.  If that person happens to be me, that'd be legit, but you'll find someone, I promise.

And of course, there's Em.  Em is obviously my best friend, and who I said I've wanted to take things romantically with, but Em, I can't do that to you.  You read what I said about those other girls, it wouldn't be fair to you.  But I can't thank you enough for your friendship, and just how unbelievably beautiful you are.  Just because I find other girls attractive doesn't mean that your beauty is diminished or obsolete.  I know more about you than any of the other girls, which seems ridiculous that I would even like these other girls, because you're just such a beautiful human being, but I do, and I'm sorry.

And the reason I've been holding off on a relationship is because girls ruined my friend group.  I only hang out with drama kids now, because the relationships haven't ruined anything.

John started off with Arlee.

Then Brian started liking Geneva.

Then Todd started liking Laura.

Then Josh S started liking Karlee.

But then John and Arlee broke up, Brian started dating Karlee, Todd started dating Laura, and Josh started dating Geneva.  It wasn't cute.

Because Brian and Karlee broke up, and Brian started dating Arlee, but then they broke up.  Todd and Laura broke up and now Todd's dating Kayli.  Josh and Geneva broke up and now Geneva has Jason.

But John has Elisabeth now, and they're actually cute.

And I'm not too sure about Josh W's love life, but to the best of my knowledge,

I'm the only person in my friend group who's never been in a relationship, and who's still VL.

But now Josh S is in Argentina, Brian is in Texas, Todd is going to Japan, Arlee is going to California, Josh W is in Japan, Karlee is at BYU, Geneva is at BYU, Laura is going to the Phillipines, John is going to Japan, and I'm going to Japan.  Thank you, God, for giving us a break.

To top off that craziness, however, my parents broke up.

John now has Deb and Ileana went back to being a Valencia.

I think it's for the best, but I still wish my parents worked it out.

Because now that I've seen so many bad relationships, including my parents', I just want to be married to someone and do everything I can to make them feel special and do things right.  Because through my journey of life I've realized that love is selfless, and I've just been thinking about myself my whole life.  I've wanted to know what kissing and sex feels like, but now I just want to do things for someone, and have kids with someone.  And I want to be with someone forever, and mean it.

Because this Nintendo gaming, Ultimate playing, Japanese loving, film making, creative writing, risk taking, super hilarious theater kid needs somebody to love.

And he's gonna have 20 years of preparation for it once he comes home.

人間の質問

TESTIMONY ALERT

Is there a God?

That is Man's question, because that is the way Man was created.

Man was created to learn, to grow, to think beyond, to feel.

But in a world of scientific basis and thinking, our feelings have become obsolete.

Why has this happened?  Why have we deviated from the way that God works?

God in His true form is not visible, that's obvious.  But in the world we live in, He has to be visible, otherwise He's not real.

But can I just say how illogical that mentality is?

Because this life is a test to see if we can follow God without Him actually being physically present.  Because having the teacher tell you all the answers on the test while you're supposed to be the one taking the test makes no sense.

But God is a nice teacher.  He's made it an open-book test.  The problem is that we don't always know which book to use.

And that's certainly not His fault, it's ours.  Because God is so mysterious, and we all think so differently, that without Him actually helping us, we have a hard time understanding Him, which is why there are so many different views of Him.

How can you understand someone if you haven't actually taken the time to learn about that person?

You can hear what other people have said about that person, or even what other people heard the person say, but sometimes people are stupid.  People will make fun of certain people, lie about certain people, and hurt certain people, all for the enjoyment of confusing their peers.

But you can't listen to these people, because they don't know or understand God.

Because you won't get to know someone unless you talk to them personally.

Which leads me to another reason why God is a nice teacher; we can talk to Him.  Just as you can raise your hand to have a teacher come assist you, God can do the same.

Now instead of raising our hand, we pray.  But prayer is a very personal and quiet thing when using it to understand God.  

He's not going to be very loud and disruptive when He talks to you.

What if mid-test, your teacher just yelled from their desk, "HEY STEPHEN I THINK YOU SHOULD PUT DOWN C FOR NUMBER TWENTY SEVEN BECAUSE THATS LIKE TOTALLY THE RIGHT ANSWER HOMEBOY"

First of all, your name probably isn't Stephen, so that's one way why that's not like God, because He knows your name.  Second of all, God comes to you and whispers to you personally, because He wants to make sure that you understand.

But God probably won't give you what you want all of the time, because just as a teacher can only give you suggestions on how to answer a problem on your own, so it is with God.

God is the teacher that gives hints.

"Well why does He give hints, why can't He just give me the answer?"

BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO PUT IN EFFORT TO MAKE YOURSELF STRONGER AND GOD HAS TO DEAL WITH SEVEN BILLION OTHER IMPERFECT PEOPLE SO YOU CAN AT LEAST MAKE IT EASIER ON HIM OKAY RANT OVER

Seriously, God's smarter than that.  He knows the whole point of sending you here, and He knows how to make you awesome.  And that process is not easy, because life isn't easy.

Life isn't easy because God isn't easy, and God created life.

Now back to my point of life being an open-book test, and us not knowing which book to use.  We have so many books and scriptures that give so many different views and perspectives of God, but they all are fairly similar in their purpose of trying to find God.  Whether you call Him God, Jesus, Allah, Vishnu, Zeus, Messiah, or any other respectful title, you're still searching for the same Person.

Because like I said earlier, He's so mysterious, and we think so differently that it's hard for us to have one unified view of God.  But one day we will, and it'll all make sense.

Because as physical children, we naturally want to know more about our physical parents.

Our spiritual selves have the same curiosity for a reason; we have spiritual Parents.

Sorry to be super religious, but although I don't fully understand God and who He is, I really strongly believe that He exists. 

It just makes so much sense to me, and even if you don't believe in God, I hope you at least believe in something, because believing in something really unlocks the meaning of life.

Let me put it this way: Is seeing believing, or is believing seeing?

Because Man today works through the former, but God has always worked through the latter.

Which is why I like being a Latter-day Saint.

Heart Says...

It starts here.

Heart says "Start."

Heart says "Thump."

Heart says "Jump."

Heart says "Fall."

Heart says "Stand."

Heart says "Fall."

Heart says "Walk."

Heart says "Fall."

Heart says "Imagine."

Think logically.

Heart says "Found."

Heart says "Speak."

Heart says "Kiss."

Heart says "Fall."

Heart says "Break."

Heart says "Bleed."

Heart says "Anger."

Heart says "Cry."

Heart says "Forgive."

Feel better.

Heart says "Dream."

Heart says "Fall."

Heart says "Dream."

Heart says "Found."

Heart says "Dream."

Heart says "Love."

Heart says "Break."

Heart says "Mend."

Heart says "Persevere."

Stop.

Heart says "Stay."

Heart says "Commit."

Heart says "Create."

Heart says "Raise."

Heart says "Watch."

Heart says "Release."

Heart says "Ponder."

Heart says "Happy."

Heart says "Stop."

It ends here.

The Donkey, The Treasure, and The Cat

Let me just say that I haven't felt well recently; at all.

My body is controlling my brain.

My body wants the physical touch of all the things in the title of this post.  Not what they literally are, but what they represent.

The donkey has another name, one that people don't like to use.

Not until marriage.

Treasure is usually held in a chest.

Not until marriage.

"I thought I saw a blank cat!"

Not until marriage.

Because as much as I'd like to say I'm completely cured, I'm not.  And it makes me feel like a terrible person.

Like I can't represent someone if I have thoughts they didn't.

Like I can't even see the girl my body wants, even though I'm not my body.

I'm not my body.

I'm just fighting my body.  And it's worse than any war I've ever learned about in any history book or museum.

Because I don't feel as good as her, but I can't tell her that.

She doesn't like to talk about herself.

"Comparison is the theif of joy."

Well doing things that disappoint the ones you love is also a theif of joy!

The temptation is often times overwhelming, and it sets me in a pit of disappointment, self-hatred, and disgust.

Because I'm not my body, but I'm constantly living with it.

The Donkey, The Treasure, and The Cat.

I used them to represent my evil desires, but they also represent how I feel as a person.

Jackass.

Greedy.

Pussy.

My desires make me unsteady about my future.

My diploma.

My mission.

My life.

Because I've been fighting this battle for several months, and I constantly feel like I'm losing.

I don't feel like I have any substance to who I am as a person because of it.  I feel ordinary, boring, and not enough.

She has substance that she won't even show me.

And I feel like she never will, even though she said she trusts me.

But I don't feel it.

How do I not feel it?

I don't feel like I'm giving anything, because I feel selfish in our relationship.

I sleep through the times where she can't sleep because of me.

I don't feel anything, yet she gives so much. 

Actions speak louder than words, and I haven't gotten any action from anyone.

I want her physical love, but I also don't, because I feel like at this point, any physical love I get is just pity love.

But I need physical love.

Physical love is supposed to one day be beautiful, but the desire for it has only thrown me into a pit of unescapable sorrow.

And in my pit of unescapable sorrow, all I have is The Donkey, The Treasure, and The Cat;

Three things that have robbed my joy.

From Girl #2

(Listen to this song either before, during, or after reading this post. It's a link, just click it.)

So, hi, everyone.  I'm Stephen's best friend.

"That girl" that you sometimes read about here.  In Stephen's "Dating 4 Girls At Once" post, I was Girl #2.  In the previous post, I became, a little bit publicly, THE girl.

I love Stephen's blog.

Stephen and I have been best friends for a long while and it made me feel almost guilty that I got to see this beautiful person as he really was and no one else did.  Then he showed me his blog and I felt a lot less guilty.

I was really really surprised that Stephen said what he did about me. 

Ours is a very open friendship and we always talked about how we weren't gonna date each other.  We told each other we had little mini crushes on each other, but I never believed it would get beyond that.

And then, this.

Don't get me wrong, it's okay.  We've talked about it.  We're good.  I was a little shaken at first and not quite sure how to handle it.

But then I figured it out.

"Oh, you silly," I told myself, "this is Stephen.  You guys have been through the gates of hell together.  You'll be okay.  You can survive this."

And I'm so glad that Stephen is my best friend, because if anyone else had fallen for me I couldn't have believed it.

I'm a typical high school teenager.  I don't trust often.  I trust boys even less often.

And I trust Stephen.

I don't know if he'll ever fully comprehend how much that means coming from me.

I do the impossible for him.

He is my sunshine.  He is quite often the best part of my day.

I have listened to him cry.

I have yelled at him.  He has argued back.

He was the one I called when I almost killed myself.

He was the thought I had.

He was my salvation that night and many others.

I'm so glad God has let him be a part of my life.

I guess what I am getting at here is that although it may not be in a romantic way, I love Stephen.  I know how lucky I am to love him, and to be his best friend.

And there's a lot of maybes to "Stephen and I" - maybe someday, we'll fall in love together and it won't hurt so bad.  Maybe we'll get married and have a family and go through it all together...again.

I don't know, but it's a possibility.  And I promise you that I will never, ever underestimate him, take him for granted, use him, or treat him in any way that I'm aware will hurt him.  Because Stephen is incredible.

I'm so glad I'm not the only one who gets to see it.

Loving Your Best Friend

It's late, and I may regret this, but I have reached a conundrum.  And yes, like always, it's a girl.

The girl herself is not the conundrum; it's me liking her.

I normally talk about other girls to her, because I talk to her about a lot of things, but now, it's weird.

I really don't know how to describe it.

Because now I like her, and how can I talk to her about her?

I can't, that's how.  And I hate it.

Because sure, I can talk to her about one girl that I actually do really like, but then when I'm talking to her about the one girl, I realize how beautiful she is, and it's... frustrating.

Because now I feel weird talking to my best friend, because I want to be more than best friends with her, and her instinct to me pretending to kiss her led to her making a noise resembling that of a dinosaur.

This is the part of the blog where I start addressing her.  You can keep on reading if you so please.

I know I was joking then, and you were joking, but if I actually wanted to kiss you, would you be okay with that?  Because guess what?  I really want to kiss you.  I kept thinking about you the whole time I was at my stepfamily's house, and I wasn't sure why, but then I realized something.

I missed you.

And I've spent several days away from a family I love before, and I didn't even miss them.

But I missed you, and I didn't know how to feel about it, and I still don't.

I would be such a good boyfriend to you, and you know that, but I kinda wish it was actually a thing.

And I know you like that other guy, and I know I like that other girl, and I know in four months I'll be in Japan, but I just wish I could tell you how much I love you.

How the only reason I like B-days is because I get to see you and talk to you for that little bit in the morning, even though you're always super tired, yet you look so adorable.

How you laugh at the dumb little things I say that people don't normally hear me say but that I find hilarious.  Because I'm funny, and I love how you notice it.

How you write beautiful songs, and we had that silly little Disney Channel moment during intermission of Winter's Tale, and even if you thought I was just being funny, I was, but I was also captivated by how beautifully you play music.

How despite you sometimes doing things that bug me, or saying something that I don't agree with, or saying that I'm wrong about something, I still can't help myself from remaining your friend, because we just make sense as friends.  And I think we'd make sense as romantic partners.  Heck, everyone else thinks we're dating, so that should be some sort of sign.

Look, I'm not guilt-tripping you to be my girlfriend, because it's a little late for that at this point.  But I really hope you're still around when I get back from Japan.  And if you're in some other part of the world doing the same thing I'm gonna do in Japan when I get back, then I'll probably wait for you.

This may just be my late-night hormonal brain talking, but I really mean all this stuff.  I feel like you're better than me, which is exactly the kind of person I want to fall in love with.  You are so freaking beautiful.  Like oh my goodness.  Personality, face, body, talent, you.  It's all perfect.

You know that song we sing together to prove to people that we sound good together?  That's literally how I feel about you.  If we do end up getting married, and that song doesn't play at our wedding, then we done messed up, son.

In all seriousness, we still have a lot to learn about each other, and a lot of trust to build, but the best day of my life would be to realize that I can spout off any fact about you, kiss you whenever I want, and tell you "I love you" everyday.

And for you to be okay with it.

Step

Things I climb.

Things I take.

The family's house I'm at.

A type of stool.

Instructions.

All of these involve the word "step".

But are these the same kind of steps that I make while wearing my shoes?

My shoes climb with me.

I take steps in my shoes.

I'm currently wearing my shoes at my step family's house.

I was probably barefoot when I last stepped on a stepstool, because that's not important.

Your shoes are with you for the important things.

But do you know what shoes don't come with?

Instructions.

You don't need to walk a certain way in them, put a certain design on them, or clean them.

You just have to wear them.

"God gave you them shoes that fit you.  So put 'em on and wear 'em."

- Beautiful, Eminem

"Try walking in their shoes."

- Common expression

People's identities are held in the things they walk with.

Gambaritsuzukeru

You probably don't know what the title of this post means, or if it's even a real language, but I will tell you that it's a promise.

The promise.

The promise that I have to make for this blog once people know my name, which will happen by the end of this post, so be patient, because it's a long one.  And no, that doesn't mean you can skip to the end and peek.  Where's the fun in that?

Well... let's do this!

To be honest, this is one of those things where I think,

"I never thought this day would come."

Because this blog means a lot to me, and I'm afraid once I'm known, it won't be the same.

I'm not super hipster, and I'm not very poetic.  I don't sugar-coat.

I'm real.

And if you remember the title of my first post, I told you that.

And I meant it.

Because when you're real and honest and just don't care what people think, the content means something.

I'm gonna sound super cocky when I say this, but on my "Top 5 Favorite Blogs" list, I'd put my blog on there.

I really don't say that because I feel like I'm better than everyone else, because I'm not.  There's so many good blogs.

But for me, I'm proud of the fact that I've been able to just share my thoughts and be real, without caring about what people think; for once.

The fact that I've made people feel things, like I said I would.

The fact that I've made people think, like I said I would.

The fact that I've made people uncomfortable, like I said I would.

I've told you guys a lot of stuff, stuff that I normally wouldn't just tell people when I see them.  But being real has set me free.

I've told you about my fear of divorce, and how my parents got one.

ONLY A YEAR AGO.

I've talked about liking a girl, in hopes that she wouldn't read it and find out it was about her.

EVEN THOUGH SHE'S KNOWN MY BLOG FROM THE BEGINNING, AND IT WAS OBVIOUSLY ABOUT HER.

I've told you that I used to be addicted to pornography, and that I've imagined having sex with those four girls in my last post.

AND THREE OF THEM HAVE READ THAT.

I've sworn on this blog, which I don't swear in normal conversation, even though I think swear words used wisely either add a lot of emotion or make things really funny.

AND I'M GOING ON A MISSION.

I've done some pretty risky things, which has been really awesome to be quite honest.  The rush of, "What the heck are people gonna say about this?" has been such a satisfying feeling.

The two words that people have used to describe my blog most are real and brave; two words I don't think I've ever been called in my life before.

You guys have gotten to see a fun side of me; my adventurous side.  And that's the side of me that I like most.

Nelson, I hope you consider me as one of the good male bloggers.

To the people who have commented on my posts so far, I love you guys.  Seriously, to finally have people tell me they like my writing has been such an amazing thing.  My suicidal thoughts have greatly diminished from your feedback, because I love knowing that I've changed people.  Please keep commenting, because this leads to the title of my post; the promise.

The translation of my title?

"I will continue to do my best."

The language?

Japanese.

Yes, it's me...

Stephen Brailsford.

Dating 4 Girls At Once

This is something that I'd never do, but something that, as an indecisive 17 year old boy, has seemed like the only option.

I'm sorry for all of the love posts, I really am.  I'm gonna talk about something different for my "grand reveal" this week, promise.

Let's focus on this post for now, cool?

Cool, so there are four girls that I have constantly liked throughout the course of this year, with some minor crushes in between, but at one point or another, these girls have not been able to leave my mind.

Let's meet them, shall we?

Girl #1:

The girl that the moment I saw her I thought, "She is so freaking attractive.  Like, tell me how they got that pretty little face on that pretty little frame."  Things started off a little awkward, but eventually we clicked, really well.  And I'm not gonna lie, all of Christmas Break, all I ever did was text this girl to find out more about her.  I discovered her taste in music, I learned about her family, I even found out we have the same birthday!  She's gone through a lot, and she's always trusted me with sensitive information about her life, and I love that.  I stopped liking her for Girl #3, and she got a boyfriend, but I eventually got over Girl #3, and her boyfriend hasn't even asked her to Prom yet, which I jokingly suggested today that she date me instead, and she replied, "I would, but you're going on a mission."  She's the one girl that I've probably been closest to actually dating.  She came to my mission call opening, and dedicated a whole Instagram post to me.  She doesn't know that I like her.  She also looks really freaking good in a baseball cap.  (Update: She was just asked to Prom by her boyfriend.)

Girl #2:

I had a small crush on this girl in 9th grade, but I never really went far with it, and it kinda died by the end of the year.  But she was holding me when I told people for the first time about my addiction.  Fast forward to Junior year, and we started becoming good friends again.  Really good friends.  We've never gone anywhere romantically, because we've basically friendzoned each other, but we've also told each other that we like each other, and joke about getting married one day, but a majority of our conversations are about every other girl in this post.  She's my best friend.  She's honestly someone I could see myself marrying, because literally anything I say or do she finds hilarious or she forgives me for it.  What a gal.  She's helped me overcome my weaknesses, and I can't thank her enough for that.  She was also there at my mission call opening, and she also dedicated a whole Instagram post to me.  I don't think she realizes how much I love her.  I would not be here today without her.  I'm sure she looks really good in a baseball cap.

Girl #3:

I met her around the same time as Girl #2, and we became pretty good friends, and we have been ever since.  This is the girl that my first love posts on this blog were about; the one I've gotten over.  I've always found her extremely beautiful and talented, and then once Senior year came, dang.  I found out she had depression, and after breaking up with this boy she should've broken up with like a year ago, she was very closed off from people, especially me.  I guess I was really annoying her, and I found it really attractive for some reason.  Once she found out I liked her, she stopped talking to me, and that was really hard.  She really didn't mean harm, but it was so painful.  I confronted her about it, and it led to a fight that I still regret to this day.  But we've forgiven each other, and now we're back to being good friends.  I'm obviously not completely over her, but that's only because I still want to keep her as a friend.  She's taught me a lot, and has really made this year an exciting one.  She's so cool.  I know for a fact she looks good in a baseball cap.

Girl #4:

The girl that I've been talking about recently on this blog, and the girl who also found out I like them.  Like I've said before, she was very sweet about it, and we even went on a date last Saturday.  I met her Sophomore year; she was in my Physics class.  We didn't talk too much, and Junior year I went to her birthday party.  It was so awkward.  But then this year came, and we just told each other everything.  Obviously not everything, but we started to become really good friends, and to this day we really trust each other.  She helped me get over Girl #3, which was really sweet of her, but then I started liking her, so I'm a genius.  She's really given me confidence in who I am, and has always told me how amazing I am as a person.  We even read each others' Creative Writing blogs.  She has a boyfriend who has asked her to Prom, and I'm hoping he doesn't change by that time.  She deserves a good date to Prom.  Guess what she was wearing the day she told me she didn't like me?  A baseball cap.  She still looked good.

You see why it's so hard for me to pick just one girl?  I feel like I may never decide on one, which really worries me.  

All of these girls mean a lot to me, and I'd love to be with one of them the rest of my life.

Will that happen?

Probably not, but if it did, I'd be so happy.  

I didn't really mention these girls' outer appearance, but I can testify to their outer beauty.  

They have beautiful bodies and faces.  I'd be lying if I said I haven't at least once imagined having sex with them, which is really gross, and if you're one of the girls that this post is about, I'm so sorry.  I really am.  That was the old me.  The new me still wouldn't mind that, as long as we were married and I knew more about you than I do now.

I had to get that off my chest.

Back to addressing everyone!

I say these things because I care about them, I really do.  I just wanna show one of these girls how much I love them, but I'm gonna be leaving this area by July, and I'm worried that in July of 2017 they'll be married and not in contact with me anymore.

I just hope they fall in love with a person that's like me now, instead of a person that's like how I used to be.

The Post-Dance Inner Conversation

How do you think the date went?

To be honest, not that well.  I felt really awkward and like she wasn't having that much fun.

Well she told you she had one of the best nights of senior year!

Oh she was just saying that.  I didn't even compliment her on the date!

Well you complimented her afterwards, and I'm sure she knew you thought she was pretty.  I'm sure she noticed you seeing how beautiful she was.

And I'm sure it made her feel weird, because she knows I like her, and she probably thought I was checking her out.

No, she said she was having so much fun, and that she was comfortable around you.

Then why do I feel like I ruined everything?

Because you like her so much, and you wanted things to be "perfect."

Man, why do I like her so much?

Well, she's so interested about who you are, she's so nice about not liking you, she doesn't care about your past, she's proud of you for going on a mission, she's a talented actress, singer, and dancer, and I mean, look at her!  I can't blame you for not taking your eyes off her.

That last one was a little weird, but she doesn't like me the way I like her!  She never will.

There's always hope, but if things go well with the guy she's with now, shouldn't that make you happy?

I'd love to see her happy, I just wish it was me making her happy.

Of course you do, but if you really love her, you'll want her to be happy, no matter who it is.

But I... I just... Maybe you're right.  It's just so tough.  I feel like that date could've been better, and maybe if it was, she'd like me back.

She may not like you back, but that was one of the funnest nights of her senior year, and that wasn't her being sweet.  She really had fun, all because of you!  Doesn't that make you feel better?

I have a hard time believing it, but I should.  I wish that date could happen again, that way I could enjoy it better.  I was so worried about making sure things were "perfect" that I didn't focus on how fun the date actually was.  She was such a good date!  I feel so dumb.

Hey, don't worry about it.  Maybe you can ask her on another date sometime!

Would she want to?

Of course!  Last night was tons of fun.

Not for me.

Well maybe that was your fault.

Which is why I wanna ask her on another date!

Then do it, man!

My only other opportunity would probably be after the mission, and we'll probably never see each other after the mission.

Well she'll probably write you on your mission.  And if she doesn't, then maybe she's not worth it.

I'd hate to let her go, but maybe you're right, logical part of my brain.  Maybe you're right.

Embarrassment

Nelson, I'm just gonna go ahead and let you know that my last post was an experiment, and an awfully ballsy one at that.

The results?  The title of this post.

If you haven't read my last post, then it'll help this post make more sense, so you should go read it.

(For those who did, she read it too).

I'm okay with the embarrassment.  Sorta.

It just happened so fast, too fast.  Is that an alarm I hear?  (I make too many Last Five Years references on this blog thing).

Like you know when you're preparing to perform a monologue for some people, and then the next thing you know you're being told for the upteenth time that *insert name here* doesn't like you the same way?  By *insert name here*?

Well, I didn't until yesterday, so I'm not sure I should expect you to know the feeling, but it was weird, man.

She was so sweet about it too.  Like holy crap, that's never happened before.  And what she said was totally understandable, at least the part about her liking another guy.  She's with him for a reason, and I just need to respect that.

Not saying that I don't, but I just kinda wish I was him right now, you know?

And I really really really hope that he realizes how lucky he is to have her, because he is.

To the girl that this post is about, this is not a post intending to make you feel bad for not liking me, or call you out, because that's stupid and not true.

I'm just ranting, because I feel like I made things weird and awkward between us like I always do with girls, and you being so sweet about it made me like you even more yet make me really confused about our relationship and ugggfhhhh feelings.

I overanalyze, but I really am so confused, and I don't mean to blame you for anything, because I don't think you intended for me to feel this way about this situation or about you in general.  But I feel like we need to talk, I just don't know what about.

I feel like I need to apologize, but then I feel like you'll just tell me everything's okay and that we're fine.  But are we really fine?  Did I make things awkward between us?  Is this post making it more awkward?

I just feel embarrassed, like I can't even talk to you, because I'm not sure how to right now, and for that, I'm sorry.

The woods just won't feel the same anymore.