The Donkey, The Treasure, and The Cat

Let me just say that I haven't felt well recently; at all.

My body is controlling my brain.

My body wants the physical touch of all the things in the title of this post.  Not what they literally are, but what they represent.

The donkey has another name, one that people don't like to use.

Not until marriage.

Treasure is usually held in a chest.

Not until marriage.

"I thought I saw a blank cat!"

Not until marriage.

Because as much as I'd like to say I'm completely cured, I'm not.  And it makes me feel like a terrible person.

Like I can't represent someone if I have thoughts they didn't.

Like I can't even see the girl my body wants, even though I'm not my body.

I'm not my body.

I'm just fighting my body.  And it's worse than any war I've ever learned about in any history book or museum.

Because I don't feel as good as her, but I can't tell her that.

She doesn't like to talk about herself.

"Comparison is the theif of joy."

Well doing things that disappoint the ones you love is also a theif of joy!

The temptation is often times overwhelming, and it sets me in a pit of disappointment, self-hatred, and disgust.

Because I'm not my body, but I'm constantly living with it.

The Donkey, The Treasure, and The Cat.

I used them to represent my evil desires, but they also represent how I feel as a person.

Jackass.

Greedy.

Pussy.

My desires make me unsteady about my future.

My diploma.

My mission.

My life.

Because I've been fighting this battle for several months, and I constantly feel like I'm losing.

I don't feel like I have any substance to who I am as a person because of it.  I feel ordinary, boring, and not enough.

She has substance that she won't even show me.

And I feel like she never will, even though she said she trusts me.

But I don't feel it.

How do I not feel it?

I don't feel like I'm giving anything, because I feel selfish in our relationship.

I sleep through the times where she can't sleep because of me.

I don't feel anything, yet she gives so much. 

Actions speak louder than words, and I haven't gotten any action from anyone.

I want her physical love, but I also don't, because I feel like at this point, any physical love I get is just pity love.

But I need physical love.

Physical love is supposed to one day be beautiful, but the desire for it has only thrown me into a pit of unescapable sorrow.

And in my pit of unescapable sorrow, all I have is The Donkey, The Treasure, and The Cat;

Three things that have robbed my joy.