Heart Says...

It starts here.

Heart says "Start."

Heart says "Thump."

Heart says "Jump."

Heart says "Fall."

Heart says "Stand."

Heart says "Fall."

Heart says "Walk."

Heart says "Fall."

Heart says "Imagine."

Think logically.

Heart says "Found."

Heart says "Speak."

Heart says "Kiss."

Heart says "Fall."

Heart says "Break."

Heart says "Bleed."

Heart says "Anger."

Heart says "Cry."

Heart says "Forgive."

Feel better.

Heart says "Dream."

Heart says "Fall."

Heart says "Dream."

Heart says "Found."

Heart says "Dream."

Heart says "Love."

Heart says "Break."

Heart says "Mend."

Heart says "Persevere."

Stop.

Heart says "Stay."

Heart says "Commit."

Heart says "Create."

Heart says "Raise."

Heart says "Watch."

Heart says "Release."

Heart says "Ponder."

Heart says "Happy."

Heart says "Stop."

It ends here.

The Donkey, The Treasure, and The Cat

Let me just say that I haven't felt well recently; at all.

My body is controlling my brain.

My body wants the physical touch of all the things in the title of this post.  Not what they literally are, but what they represent.

The donkey has another name, one that people don't like to use.

Not until marriage.

Treasure is usually held in a chest.

Not until marriage.

"I thought I saw a blank cat!"

Not until marriage.

Because as much as I'd like to say I'm completely cured, I'm not.  And it makes me feel like a terrible person.

Like I can't represent someone if I have thoughts they didn't.

Like I can't even see the girl my body wants, even though I'm not my body.

I'm not my body.

I'm just fighting my body.  And it's worse than any war I've ever learned about in any history book or museum.

Because I don't feel as good as her, but I can't tell her that.

She doesn't like to talk about herself.

"Comparison is the theif of joy."

Well doing things that disappoint the ones you love is also a theif of joy!

The temptation is often times overwhelming, and it sets me in a pit of disappointment, self-hatred, and disgust.

Because I'm not my body, but I'm constantly living with it.

The Donkey, The Treasure, and The Cat.

I used them to represent my evil desires, but they also represent how I feel as a person.

Jackass.

Greedy.

Pussy.

My desires make me unsteady about my future.

My diploma.

My mission.

My life.

Because I've been fighting this battle for several months, and I constantly feel like I'm losing.

I don't feel like I have any substance to who I am as a person because of it.  I feel ordinary, boring, and not enough.

She has substance that she won't even show me.

And I feel like she never will, even though she said she trusts me.

But I don't feel it.

How do I not feel it?

I don't feel like I'm giving anything, because I feel selfish in our relationship.

I sleep through the times where she can't sleep because of me.

I don't feel anything, yet she gives so much. 

Actions speak louder than words, and I haven't gotten any action from anyone.

I want her physical love, but I also don't, because I feel like at this point, any physical love I get is just pity love.

But I need physical love.

Physical love is supposed to one day be beautiful, but the desire for it has only thrown me into a pit of unescapable sorrow.

And in my pit of unescapable sorrow, all I have is The Donkey, The Treasure, and The Cat;

Three things that have robbed my joy.

From Girl #2

(Listen to this song either before, during, or after reading this post. It's a link, just click it.)

So, hi, everyone.  I'm Stephen's best friend.

"That girl" that you sometimes read about here.  In Stephen's "Dating 4 Girls At Once" post, I was Girl #2.  In the previous post, I became, a little bit publicly, THE girl.

I love Stephen's blog.

Stephen and I have been best friends for a long while and it made me feel almost guilty that I got to see this beautiful person as he really was and no one else did.  Then he showed me his blog and I felt a lot less guilty.

I was really really surprised that Stephen said what he did about me. 

Ours is a very open friendship and we always talked about how we weren't gonna date each other.  We told each other we had little mini crushes on each other, but I never believed it would get beyond that.

And then, this.

Don't get me wrong, it's okay.  We've talked about it.  We're good.  I was a little shaken at first and not quite sure how to handle it.

But then I figured it out.

"Oh, you silly," I told myself, "this is Stephen.  You guys have been through the gates of hell together.  You'll be okay.  You can survive this."

And I'm so glad that Stephen is my best friend, because if anyone else had fallen for me I couldn't have believed it.

I'm a typical high school teenager.  I don't trust often.  I trust boys even less often.

And I trust Stephen.

I don't know if he'll ever fully comprehend how much that means coming from me.

I do the impossible for him.

He is my sunshine.  He is quite often the best part of my day.

I have listened to him cry.

I have yelled at him.  He has argued back.

He was the one I called when I almost killed myself.

He was the thought I had.

He was my salvation that night and many others.

I'm so glad God has let him be a part of my life.

I guess what I am getting at here is that although it may not be in a romantic way, I love Stephen.  I know how lucky I am to love him, and to be his best friend.

And there's a lot of maybes to "Stephen and I" - maybe someday, we'll fall in love together and it won't hurt so bad.  Maybe we'll get married and have a family and go through it all together...again.

I don't know, but it's a possibility.  And I promise you that I will never, ever underestimate him, take him for granted, use him, or treat him in any way that I'm aware will hurt him.  Because Stephen is incredible.

I'm so glad I'm not the only one who gets to see it.

Loving Your Best Friend

It's late, and I may regret this, but I have reached a conundrum.  And yes, like always, it's a girl.

The girl herself is not the conundrum; it's me liking her.

I normally talk about other girls to her, because I talk to her about a lot of things, but now, it's weird.

I really don't know how to describe it.

Because now I like her, and how can I talk to her about her?

I can't, that's how.  And I hate it.

Because sure, I can talk to her about one girl that I actually do really like, but then when I'm talking to her about the one girl, I realize how beautiful she is, and it's... frustrating.

Because now I feel weird talking to my best friend, because I want to be more than best friends with her, and her instinct to me pretending to kiss her led to her making a noise resembling that of a dinosaur.

This is the part of the blog where I start addressing her.  You can keep on reading if you so please.

I know I was joking then, and you were joking, but if I actually wanted to kiss you, would you be okay with that?  Because guess what?  I really want to kiss you.  I kept thinking about you the whole time I was at my stepfamily's house, and I wasn't sure why, but then I realized something.

I missed you.

And I've spent several days away from a family I love before, and I didn't even miss them.

But I missed you, and I didn't know how to feel about it, and I still don't.

I would be such a good boyfriend to you, and you know that, but I kinda wish it was actually a thing.

And I know you like that other guy, and I know I like that other girl, and I know in four months I'll be in Japan, but I just wish I could tell you how much I love you.

How the only reason I like B-days is because I get to see you and talk to you for that little bit in the morning, even though you're always super tired, yet you look so adorable.

How you laugh at the dumb little things I say that people don't normally hear me say but that I find hilarious.  Because I'm funny, and I love how you notice it.

How you write beautiful songs, and we had that silly little Disney Channel moment during intermission of Winter's Tale, and even if you thought I was just being funny, I was, but I was also captivated by how beautifully you play music.

How despite you sometimes doing things that bug me, or saying something that I don't agree with, or saying that I'm wrong about something, I still can't help myself from remaining your friend, because we just make sense as friends.  And I think we'd make sense as romantic partners.  Heck, everyone else thinks we're dating, so that should be some sort of sign.

Look, I'm not guilt-tripping you to be my girlfriend, because it's a little late for that at this point.  But I really hope you're still around when I get back from Japan.  And if you're in some other part of the world doing the same thing I'm gonna do in Japan when I get back, then I'll probably wait for you.

This may just be my late-night hormonal brain talking, but I really mean all this stuff.  I feel like you're better than me, which is exactly the kind of person I want to fall in love with.  You are so freaking beautiful.  Like oh my goodness.  Personality, face, body, talent, you.  It's all perfect.

You know that song we sing together to prove to people that we sound good together?  That's literally how I feel about you.  If we do end up getting married, and that song doesn't play at our wedding, then we done messed up, son.

In all seriousness, we still have a lot to learn about each other, and a lot of trust to build, but the best day of my life would be to realize that I can spout off any fact about you, kiss you whenever I want, and tell you "I love you" everyday.

And for you to be okay with it.

Step

Things I climb.

Things I take.

The family's house I'm at.

A type of stool.

Instructions.

All of these involve the word "step".

But are these the same kind of steps that I make while wearing my shoes?

My shoes climb with me.

I take steps in my shoes.

I'm currently wearing my shoes at my step family's house.

I was probably barefoot when I last stepped on a stepstool, because that's not important.

Your shoes are with you for the important things.

But do you know what shoes don't come with?

Instructions.

You don't need to walk a certain way in them, put a certain design on them, or clean them.

You just have to wear them.

"God gave you them shoes that fit you.  So put 'em on and wear 'em."

- Beautiful, Eminem

"Try walking in their shoes."

- Common expression

People's identities are held in the things they walk with.

Gambaritsuzukeru

You probably don't know what the title of this post means, or if it's even a real language, but I will tell you that it's a promise.

The promise.

The promise that I have to make for this blog once people know my name, which will happen by the end of this post, so be patient, because it's a long one.  And no, that doesn't mean you can skip to the end and peek.  Where's the fun in that?

Well... let's do this!

To be honest, this is one of those things where I think,

"I never thought this day would come."

Because this blog means a lot to me, and I'm afraid once I'm known, it won't be the same.

I'm not super hipster, and I'm not very poetic.  I don't sugar-coat.

I'm real.

And if you remember the title of my first post, I told you that.

And I meant it.

Because when you're real and honest and just don't care what people think, the content means something.

I'm gonna sound super cocky when I say this, but on my "Top 5 Favorite Blogs" list, I'd put my blog on there.

I really don't say that because I feel like I'm better than everyone else, because I'm not.  There's so many good blogs.

But for me, I'm proud of the fact that I've been able to just share my thoughts and be real, without caring about what people think; for once.

The fact that I've made people feel things, like I said I would.

The fact that I've made people think, like I said I would.

The fact that I've made people uncomfortable, like I said I would.

I've told you guys a lot of stuff, stuff that I normally wouldn't just tell people when I see them.  But being real has set me free.

I've told you about my fear of divorce, and how my parents got one.

ONLY A YEAR AGO.

I've talked about liking a girl, in hopes that she wouldn't read it and find out it was about her.

EVEN THOUGH SHE'S KNOWN MY BLOG FROM THE BEGINNING, AND IT WAS OBVIOUSLY ABOUT HER.

I've told you that I used to be addicted to pornography, and that I've imagined having sex with those four girls in my last post.

AND THREE OF THEM HAVE READ THAT.

I've sworn on this blog, which I don't swear in normal conversation, even though I think swear words used wisely either add a lot of emotion or make things really funny.

AND I'M GOING ON A MISSION.

I've done some pretty risky things, which has been really awesome to be quite honest.  The rush of, "What the heck are people gonna say about this?" has been such a satisfying feeling.

The two words that people have used to describe my blog most are real and brave; two words I don't think I've ever been called in my life before.

You guys have gotten to see a fun side of me; my adventurous side.  And that's the side of me that I like most.

Nelson, I hope you consider me as one of the good male bloggers.

To the people who have commented on my posts so far, I love you guys.  Seriously, to finally have people tell me they like my writing has been such an amazing thing.  My suicidal thoughts have greatly diminished from your feedback, because I love knowing that I've changed people.  Please keep commenting, because this leads to the title of my post; the promise.

The translation of my title?

"I will continue to do my best."

The language?

Japanese.

Yes, it's me...

Stephen Brailsford.

Dating 4 Girls At Once

This is something that I'd never do, but something that, as an indecisive 17 year old boy, has seemed like the only option.

I'm sorry for all of the love posts, I really am.  I'm gonna talk about something different for my "grand reveal" this week, promise.

Let's focus on this post for now, cool?

Cool, so there are four girls that I have constantly liked throughout the course of this year, with some minor crushes in between, but at one point or another, these girls have not been able to leave my mind.

Let's meet them, shall we?

Girl #1:

The girl that the moment I saw her I thought, "She is so freaking attractive.  Like, tell me how they got that pretty little face on that pretty little frame."  Things started off a little awkward, but eventually we clicked, really well.  And I'm not gonna lie, all of Christmas Break, all I ever did was text this girl to find out more about her.  I discovered her taste in music, I learned about her family, I even found out we have the same birthday!  She's gone through a lot, and she's always trusted me with sensitive information about her life, and I love that.  I stopped liking her for Girl #3, and she got a boyfriend, but I eventually got over Girl #3, and her boyfriend hasn't even asked her to Prom yet, which I jokingly suggested today that she date me instead, and she replied, "I would, but you're going on a mission."  She's the one girl that I've probably been closest to actually dating.  She came to my mission call opening, and dedicated a whole Instagram post to me.  She doesn't know that I like her.  She also looks really freaking good in a baseball cap.  (Update: She was just asked to Prom by her boyfriend.)

Girl #2:

I had a small crush on this girl in 9th grade, but I never really went far with it, and it kinda died by the end of the year.  But she was holding me when I told people for the first time about my addiction.  Fast forward to Junior year, and we started becoming good friends again.  Really good friends.  We've never gone anywhere romantically, because we've basically friendzoned each other, but we've also told each other that we like each other, and joke about getting married one day, but a majority of our conversations are about every other girl in this post.  She's my best friend.  She's honestly someone I could see myself marrying, because literally anything I say or do she finds hilarious or she forgives me for it.  What a gal.  She's helped me overcome my weaknesses, and I can't thank her enough for that.  She was also there at my mission call opening, and she also dedicated a whole Instagram post to me.  I don't think she realizes how much I love her.  I would not be here today without her.  I'm sure she looks really good in a baseball cap.

Girl #3:

I met her around the same time as Girl #2, and we became pretty good friends, and we have been ever since.  This is the girl that my first love posts on this blog were about; the one I've gotten over.  I've always found her extremely beautiful and talented, and then once Senior year came, dang.  I found out she had depression, and after breaking up with this boy she should've broken up with like a year ago, she was very closed off from people, especially me.  I guess I was really annoying her, and I found it really attractive for some reason.  Once she found out I liked her, she stopped talking to me, and that was really hard.  She really didn't mean harm, but it was so painful.  I confronted her about it, and it led to a fight that I still regret to this day.  But we've forgiven each other, and now we're back to being good friends.  I'm obviously not completely over her, but that's only because I still want to keep her as a friend.  She's taught me a lot, and has really made this year an exciting one.  She's so cool.  I know for a fact she looks good in a baseball cap.

Girl #4:

The girl that I've been talking about recently on this blog, and the girl who also found out I like them.  Like I've said before, she was very sweet about it, and we even went on a date last Saturday.  I met her Sophomore year; she was in my Physics class.  We didn't talk too much, and Junior year I went to her birthday party.  It was so awkward.  But then this year came, and we just told each other everything.  Obviously not everything, but we started to become really good friends, and to this day we really trust each other.  She helped me get over Girl #3, which was really sweet of her, but then I started liking her, so I'm a genius.  She's really given me confidence in who I am, and has always told me how amazing I am as a person.  We even read each others' Creative Writing blogs.  She has a boyfriend who has asked her to Prom, and I'm hoping he doesn't change by that time.  She deserves a good date to Prom.  Guess what she was wearing the day she told me she didn't like me?  A baseball cap.  She still looked good.

You see why it's so hard for me to pick just one girl?  I feel like I may never decide on one, which really worries me.  

All of these girls mean a lot to me, and I'd love to be with one of them the rest of my life.

Will that happen?

Probably not, but if it did, I'd be so happy.  

I didn't really mention these girls' outer appearance, but I can testify to their outer beauty.  

They have beautiful bodies and faces.  I'd be lying if I said I haven't at least once imagined having sex with them, which is really gross, and if you're one of the girls that this post is about, I'm so sorry.  I really am.  That was the old me.  The new me still wouldn't mind that, as long as we were married and I knew more about you than I do now.

I had to get that off my chest.

Back to addressing everyone!

I say these things because I care about them, I really do.  I just wanna show one of these girls how much I love them, but I'm gonna be leaving this area by July, and I'm worried that in July of 2017 they'll be married and not in contact with me anymore.

I just hope they fall in love with a person that's like me now, instead of a person that's like how I used to be.