My Life Story With Emphasis On The Usual Love Stuff That's On This Blog

I admit that this blog post is hard, because my whole blog has felt like #realtalk.

But even though I've been super honest on this blog, you all still don't know a lot about me.  So here's an attempt to better understand my life and what's going on.

So I was born on June 14, 1997 in Tallahasee, Florida, to then John and Ileana Brailsford.  I only had two older brothers at the time, because my sister wasn't born yet; she wouldn't come until 2 years later.  I don't remember anything about Florida, because when I was one month old, my family moved to Las Vegas, Nevada.

I lived in Las Vegas for 9 years.  It was honestly some of the best 9 years of my life.  I did stupid stuff, like wet the bed and kissed my cousin once, but life was simple.  Homework was easy, I only ever had a crush on one girl, and I had two other class clowns on my side.

But then, everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked.

AKA I moved to Highland, Utah.

Where the first thing a kid at school ever said to me was, "You have a big head."

That kid was Carter Childs, who goes to AF now, and we don't talk much, but we ended up becoming good friends at the time.

That was 4th grade, and I didn't have a crush on anyone until 6th grade.  The closest I got to romance back then was in 4th grade when I accidentally put my arm around Kasidy Reynolds, and I promise that was an accident.

But things weren't always bad back then, in fact, they were rather nice.  My first day of church I met one of my best friends; John Stout.  We were two kids obsessed with Nintendo, night games, and dogs.  I also met another one of my best friends; Josh Zabriskie.  Prepare for a lot of Joshes, because there are a lot in my life.

Josh and I hung out everyday that summer, which basically just consisted of playing video games and eating junk food and walking around Highland.  Now, Josh Z and I don't talk much, sadly.

Then I got acquainted with other friends in that ward; Josh Stoddard and Josh Whitmer.  See, told you.  Josh Stoddard and I didn't really become friends until 5th grade, when he came to Mountainville Academy, and every Friday after school we'd walk to Highland Elementary to meet up with John, Josh, Josh, and Todd.  Todd Stout, John's cousin, is the person who got me interested in Japan.

But then, everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked.

AKA I was actually introduced to The Last Airbender, I moved from Mountainville to Highland Elementary, and I started getting back in the love game.  AKA the no-one-will-love-Stephen-back game.  This game goes all the way to present day.

My 6th grade crush was Megan Smoot, and she knew that I liked her.  This would become a pattern for the rest of my schooling career.

Because in 8th grade I liked Madeline McEwan.

9th grade I liked Nikole Zitting and Kelsea Kocherhans and Carlie Halls.

Sophomore year I liked Abby Newell and Maddie Wheadon.

Junior year I liked Katherine Bennett and Rylee Ollerton and Carlie Halls again.

Senior year I liked Kelsea Kocherhans again and Kayla Edgel and Em Pew and Ali Fisher.

All of these girls in one way or another found out I liked them, and it honestly sucked.  Because that's so many beautiful girls that just wanted me as a friend.

And that's alright, because now I have no romance regret stories, and I'm leaving on a mission soon, and I highly doubt all of these girls will be married by the time I get back, so I have some hope.

But enough about love for a sec, let's talk about some other stuff.  Like how I cracked my head open and got 8 staples in my head one time.  Like how I've been learning Japanese for basically 5 years now, and how I'm actually going to Japan on a mission like I've wanted to.  God must love me.

Or how my parents are divorced, and they told me they were getting one a few days after I got out of the hospital, which I was put in for lack of hydration, because I threw up like 4528 times.  That was a terrible week.

How when I was 14 I started losing my faith, because I started getting addicted to pornography.  But I've now vowed to always be a Latter-day Saint, because thinking back on that time where I didn't have my faith makes me realize that I didn't have myself.  Because I am a son of God, and to doubt that would mean doubting my ability.

I became weak and disgusting and confused.  But then I found my way back, with a little help from my bishop, Jesus, and Em Pew.  And I can't thank them enough.

So let me go back to love, because I've talked about loving Em recently on my blog, but she's not the only person I'm interested in right now.  Let's just say it's still Senior year.

It was almost as if God was taunting me this year, especially recently, because now most of the girls I like don't have boyfriends anymore, which means I could try and "swoop in", but I can't.  Because right now I'd be a terrible boyfriend.  Why?  Because I don't just like one girl.

I see myself marrying Em, but I can't help but like other girls as well.  And that kinda sucks, because I feel like that'll hurt her feelings, but I'm supposed be real and honest with this, aren't I?

I still have feelings for Kelsea.  I've done a lot better at keeping our friendship and not making things weird, because her and Oakley like each other now, but I still find her so beautiful.  And it sucks that I'll probably never get the chance to date her, because now we've become best friends, and we've been through so much to get to this point that I feel like it can't go down hill from here.  Unless, you know, I openly confess my feelings on a blog.

But Kelsea you shouldn't feel weird because you're not the only one.  Kayla is still super attractive to me, and she just broke up with Jackson, and I knew it would happen from the beginning, and not because of Kayla.  It was so sad to see my predictions come true, because I still cared about her and knew that he just wasn't right for her.  You're probably just finding out that I like you, Kayla, but I want you to find someone amazing, because you deserve it.  You're beautiful.

But then there's Ali, who just broke up with Jake, and it really sucks that that didn't work out, because I was actually starting to think that they were cute together.  But I think she's better without him.  Ali, do you remember what you said when you told me you didn't like me that way?  You said, "I just need to see if things will work out with Jake."  So now that things didn't work out, I'm not sure what's going to happen, because I don't want to date you now, because we'd only have two months, which is way worse than four.  But I still think you're beautiful.

And now there's Emily Paulson.  I'm with the Beach Boys on wishing they all could be California girls, because wow.  This girl has changed my life with who she is, and I just can't believe how beautiful she is.  She lights up the world like the California sun.  Emily, you're going to find someone amazing one day.  If that person happens to be me, that'd be legit, but you'll find someone, I promise.

And of course, there's Em.  Em is obviously my best friend, and who I said I've wanted to take things romantically with, but Em, I can't do that to you.  You read what I said about those other girls, it wouldn't be fair to you.  But I can't thank you enough for your friendship, and just how unbelievably beautiful you are.  Just because I find other girls attractive doesn't mean that your beauty is diminished or obsolete.  I know more about you than any of the other girls, which seems ridiculous that I would even like these other girls, because you're just such a beautiful human being, but I do, and I'm sorry.

And the reason I've been holding off on a relationship is because girls ruined my friend group.  I only hang out with drama kids now, because the relationships haven't ruined anything.

John started off with Arlee.

Then Brian started liking Geneva.

Then Todd started liking Laura.

Then Josh S started liking Karlee.

But then John and Arlee broke up, Brian started dating Karlee, Todd started dating Laura, and Josh started dating Geneva.  It wasn't cute.

Because Brian and Karlee broke up, and Brian started dating Arlee, but then they broke up.  Todd and Laura broke up and now Todd's dating Kayli.  Josh and Geneva broke up and now Geneva has Jason.

But John has Elisabeth now, and they're actually cute.

And I'm not too sure about Josh W's love life, but to the best of my knowledge,

I'm the only person in my friend group who's never been in a relationship, and who's still VL.

But now Josh S is in Argentina, Brian is in Texas, Todd is going to Japan, Arlee is going to California, Josh W is in Japan, Karlee is at BYU, Geneva is at BYU, Laura is going to the Phillipines, John is going to Japan, and I'm going to Japan.  Thank you, God, for giving us a break.

To top off that craziness, however, my parents broke up.

John now has Deb and Ileana went back to being a Valencia.

I think it's for the best, but I still wish my parents worked it out.

Because now that I've seen so many bad relationships, including my parents', I just want to be married to someone and do everything I can to make them feel special and do things right.  Because through my journey of life I've realized that love is selfless, and I've just been thinking about myself my whole life.  I've wanted to know what kissing and sex feels like, but now I just want to do things for someone, and have kids with someone.  And I want to be with someone forever, and mean it.

Because this Nintendo gaming, Ultimate playing, Japanese loving, film making, creative writing, risk taking, super hilarious theater kid needs somebody to love.

And he's gonna have 20 years of preparation for it once he comes home.

人間の質問

TESTIMONY ALERT

Is there a God?

That is Man's question, because that is the way Man was created.

Man was created to learn, to grow, to think beyond, to feel.

But in a world of scientific basis and thinking, our feelings have become obsolete.

Why has this happened?  Why have we deviated from the way that God works?

God in His true form is not visible, that's obvious.  But in the world we live in, He has to be visible, otherwise He's not real.

But can I just say how illogical that mentality is?

Because this life is a test to see if we can follow God without Him actually being physically present.  Because having the teacher tell you all the answers on the test while you're supposed to be the one taking the test makes no sense.

But God is a nice teacher.  He's made it an open-book test.  The problem is that we don't always know which book to use.

And that's certainly not His fault, it's ours.  Because God is so mysterious, and we all think so differently, that without Him actually helping us, we have a hard time understanding Him, which is why there are so many different views of Him.

How can you understand someone if you haven't actually taken the time to learn about that person?

You can hear what other people have said about that person, or even what other people heard the person say, but sometimes people are stupid.  People will make fun of certain people, lie about certain people, and hurt certain people, all for the enjoyment of confusing their peers.

But you can't listen to these people, because they don't know or understand God.

Because you won't get to know someone unless you talk to them personally.

Which leads me to another reason why God is a nice teacher; we can talk to Him.  Just as you can raise your hand to have a teacher come assist you, God can do the same.

Now instead of raising our hand, we pray.  But prayer is a very personal and quiet thing when using it to understand God.  

He's not going to be very loud and disruptive when He talks to you.

What if mid-test, your teacher just yelled from their desk, "HEY STEPHEN I THINK YOU SHOULD PUT DOWN C FOR NUMBER TWENTY SEVEN BECAUSE THATS LIKE TOTALLY THE RIGHT ANSWER HOMEBOY"

First of all, your name probably isn't Stephen, so that's one way why that's not like God, because He knows your name.  Second of all, God comes to you and whispers to you personally, because He wants to make sure that you understand.

But God probably won't give you what you want all of the time, because just as a teacher can only give you suggestions on how to answer a problem on your own, so it is with God.

God is the teacher that gives hints.

"Well why does He give hints, why can't He just give me the answer?"

BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO PUT IN EFFORT TO MAKE YOURSELF STRONGER AND GOD HAS TO DEAL WITH SEVEN BILLION OTHER IMPERFECT PEOPLE SO YOU CAN AT LEAST MAKE IT EASIER ON HIM OKAY RANT OVER

Seriously, God's smarter than that.  He knows the whole point of sending you here, and He knows how to make you awesome.  And that process is not easy, because life isn't easy.

Life isn't easy because God isn't easy, and God created life.

Now back to my point of life being an open-book test, and us not knowing which book to use.  We have so many books and scriptures that give so many different views and perspectives of God, but they all are fairly similar in their purpose of trying to find God.  Whether you call Him God, Jesus, Allah, Vishnu, Zeus, Messiah, or any other respectful title, you're still searching for the same Person.

Because like I said earlier, He's so mysterious, and we think so differently that it's hard for us to have one unified view of God.  But one day we will, and it'll all make sense.

Because as physical children, we naturally want to know more about our physical parents.

Our spiritual selves have the same curiosity for a reason; we have spiritual Parents.

Sorry to be super religious, but although I don't fully understand God and who He is, I really strongly believe that He exists. 

It just makes so much sense to me, and even if you don't believe in God, I hope you at least believe in something, because believing in something really unlocks the meaning of life.

Let me put it this way: Is seeing believing, or is believing seeing?

Because Man today works through the former, but God has always worked through the latter.

Which is why I like being a Latter-day Saint.

Heart Says...

It starts here.

Heart says "Start."

Heart says "Thump."

Heart says "Jump."

Heart says "Fall."

Heart says "Stand."

Heart says "Fall."

Heart says "Walk."

Heart says "Fall."

Heart says "Imagine."

Think logically.

Heart says "Found."

Heart says "Speak."

Heart says "Kiss."

Heart says "Fall."

Heart says "Break."

Heart says "Bleed."

Heart says "Anger."

Heart says "Cry."

Heart says "Forgive."

Feel better.

Heart says "Dream."

Heart says "Fall."

Heart says "Dream."

Heart says "Found."

Heart says "Dream."

Heart says "Love."

Heart says "Break."

Heart says "Mend."

Heart says "Persevere."

Stop.

Heart says "Stay."

Heart says "Commit."

Heart says "Create."

Heart says "Raise."

Heart says "Watch."

Heart says "Release."

Heart says "Ponder."

Heart says "Happy."

Heart says "Stop."

It ends here.

The Donkey, The Treasure, and The Cat

Let me just say that I haven't felt well recently; at all.

My body is controlling my brain.

My body wants the physical touch of all the things in the title of this post.  Not what they literally are, but what they represent.

The donkey has another name, one that people don't like to use.

Not until marriage.

Treasure is usually held in a chest.

Not until marriage.

"I thought I saw a blank cat!"

Not until marriage.

Because as much as I'd like to say I'm completely cured, I'm not.  And it makes me feel like a terrible person.

Like I can't represent someone if I have thoughts they didn't.

Like I can't even see the girl my body wants, even though I'm not my body.

I'm not my body.

I'm just fighting my body.  And it's worse than any war I've ever learned about in any history book or museum.

Because I don't feel as good as her, but I can't tell her that.

She doesn't like to talk about herself.

"Comparison is the theif of joy."

Well doing things that disappoint the ones you love is also a theif of joy!

The temptation is often times overwhelming, and it sets me in a pit of disappointment, self-hatred, and disgust.

Because I'm not my body, but I'm constantly living with it.

The Donkey, The Treasure, and The Cat.

I used them to represent my evil desires, but they also represent how I feel as a person.

Jackass.

Greedy.

Pussy.

My desires make me unsteady about my future.

My diploma.

My mission.

My life.

Because I've been fighting this battle for several months, and I constantly feel like I'm losing.

I don't feel like I have any substance to who I am as a person because of it.  I feel ordinary, boring, and not enough.

She has substance that she won't even show me.

And I feel like she never will, even though she said she trusts me.

But I don't feel it.

How do I not feel it?

I don't feel like I'm giving anything, because I feel selfish in our relationship.

I sleep through the times where she can't sleep because of me.

I don't feel anything, yet she gives so much. 

Actions speak louder than words, and I haven't gotten any action from anyone.

I want her physical love, but I also don't, because I feel like at this point, any physical love I get is just pity love.

But I need physical love.

Physical love is supposed to one day be beautiful, but the desire for it has only thrown me into a pit of unescapable sorrow.

And in my pit of unescapable sorrow, all I have is The Donkey, The Treasure, and The Cat;

Three things that have robbed my joy.

From Girl #2

(Listen to this song either before, during, or after reading this post. It's a link, just click it.)

So, hi, everyone.  I'm Stephen's best friend.

"That girl" that you sometimes read about here.  In Stephen's "Dating 4 Girls At Once" post, I was Girl #2.  In the previous post, I became, a little bit publicly, THE girl.

I love Stephen's blog.

Stephen and I have been best friends for a long while and it made me feel almost guilty that I got to see this beautiful person as he really was and no one else did.  Then he showed me his blog and I felt a lot less guilty.

I was really really surprised that Stephen said what he did about me. 

Ours is a very open friendship and we always talked about how we weren't gonna date each other.  We told each other we had little mini crushes on each other, but I never believed it would get beyond that.

And then, this.

Don't get me wrong, it's okay.  We've talked about it.  We're good.  I was a little shaken at first and not quite sure how to handle it.

But then I figured it out.

"Oh, you silly," I told myself, "this is Stephen.  You guys have been through the gates of hell together.  You'll be okay.  You can survive this."

And I'm so glad that Stephen is my best friend, because if anyone else had fallen for me I couldn't have believed it.

I'm a typical high school teenager.  I don't trust often.  I trust boys even less often.

And I trust Stephen.

I don't know if he'll ever fully comprehend how much that means coming from me.

I do the impossible for him.

He is my sunshine.  He is quite often the best part of my day.

I have listened to him cry.

I have yelled at him.  He has argued back.

He was the one I called when I almost killed myself.

He was the thought I had.

He was my salvation that night and many others.

I'm so glad God has let him be a part of my life.

I guess what I am getting at here is that although it may not be in a romantic way, I love Stephen.  I know how lucky I am to love him, and to be his best friend.

And there's a lot of maybes to "Stephen and I" - maybe someday, we'll fall in love together and it won't hurt so bad.  Maybe we'll get married and have a family and go through it all together...again.

I don't know, but it's a possibility.  And I promise you that I will never, ever underestimate him, take him for granted, use him, or treat him in any way that I'm aware will hurt him.  Because Stephen is incredible.

I'm so glad I'm not the only one who gets to see it.

Loving Your Best Friend

It's late, and I may regret this, but I have reached a conundrum.  And yes, like always, it's a girl.

The girl herself is not the conundrum; it's me liking her.

I normally talk about other girls to her, because I talk to her about a lot of things, but now, it's weird.

I really don't know how to describe it.

Because now I like her, and how can I talk to her about her?

I can't, that's how.  And I hate it.

Because sure, I can talk to her about one girl that I actually do really like, but then when I'm talking to her about the one girl, I realize how beautiful she is, and it's... frustrating.

Because now I feel weird talking to my best friend, because I want to be more than best friends with her, and her instinct to me pretending to kiss her led to her making a noise resembling that of a dinosaur.

This is the part of the blog where I start addressing her.  You can keep on reading if you so please.

I know I was joking then, and you were joking, but if I actually wanted to kiss you, would you be okay with that?  Because guess what?  I really want to kiss you.  I kept thinking about you the whole time I was at my stepfamily's house, and I wasn't sure why, but then I realized something.

I missed you.

And I've spent several days away from a family I love before, and I didn't even miss them.

But I missed you, and I didn't know how to feel about it, and I still don't.

I would be such a good boyfriend to you, and you know that, but I kinda wish it was actually a thing.

And I know you like that other guy, and I know I like that other girl, and I know in four months I'll be in Japan, but I just wish I could tell you how much I love you.

How the only reason I like B-days is because I get to see you and talk to you for that little bit in the morning, even though you're always super tired, yet you look so adorable.

How you laugh at the dumb little things I say that people don't normally hear me say but that I find hilarious.  Because I'm funny, and I love how you notice it.

How you write beautiful songs, and we had that silly little Disney Channel moment during intermission of Winter's Tale, and even if you thought I was just being funny, I was, but I was also captivated by how beautifully you play music.

How despite you sometimes doing things that bug me, or saying something that I don't agree with, or saying that I'm wrong about something, I still can't help myself from remaining your friend, because we just make sense as friends.  And I think we'd make sense as romantic partners.  Heck, everyone else thinks we're dating, so that should be some sort of sign.

Look, I'm not guilt-tripping you to be my girlfriend, because it's a little late for that at this point.  But I really hope you're still around when I get back from Japan.  And if you're in some other part of the world doing the same thing I'm gonna do in Japan when I get back, then I'll probably wait for you.

This may just be my late-night hormonal brain talking, but I really mean all this stuff.  I feel like you're better than me, which is exactly the kind of person I want to fall in love with.  You are so freaking beautiful.  Like oh my goodness.  Personality, face, body, talent, you.  It's all perfect.

You know that song we sing together to prove to people that we sound good together?  That's literally how I feel about you.  If we do end up getting married, and that song doesn't play at our wedding, then we done messed up, son.

In all seriousness, we still have a lot to learn about each other, and a lot of trust to build, but the best day of my life would be to realize that I can spout off any fact about you, kiss you whenever I want, and tell you "I love you" everyday.

And for you to be okay with it.

Step

Things I climb.

Things I take.

The family's house I'm at.

A type of stool.

Instructions.

All of these involve the word "step".

But are these the same kind of steps that I make while wearing my shoes?

My shoes climb with me.

I take steps in my shoes.

I'm currently wearing my shoes at my step family's house.

I was probably barefoot when I last stepped on a stepstool, because that's not important.

Your shoes are with you for the important things.

But do you know what shoes don't come with?

Instructions.

You don't need to walk a certain way in them, put a certain design on them, or clean them.

You just have to wear them.

"God gave you them shoes that fit you.  So put 'em on and wear 'em."

- Beautiful, Eminem

"Try walking in their shoes."

- Common expression

People's identities are held in the things they walk with.