Loving Your Best Friend (Updated)

I read this for the Final Slam, and it's an old blog post, but I changed some things, added a quote I wrote to the beginning, added lyrics to the song I referenced and sang when I did this live, and added a picture of something.  For those of you who were there, thank you for reacting.  It made me feel good:

"Trying to do the impossible is the best feeling in the world.
That's why love is so rewarding.
You're trying to make 1+1=1,
and when you keep getting closer to the solution,
That's love."

It's late, and I may regret this, but I have reached a conundrum.  And yes, like always, it's a girl.

The girl herself is not the conundrum; it's me liking her.

I normally talk about other girls to her, because I talk to her about a lot of things, but now, it's weird.

Because now I like her, and how can I talk to her about her?

I can't, that's how.  And I hate it.

Because sure, I can talk to her about a girl I like, but then when I'm talking to her about the one girl, I realize how beautiful she is, and it's... frustrating.

Because now I feel weird talking to my best friend, because I want to be more than best friends with her, and her instinct to me pretending to kiss her led to her making a noise resembling that of a dinosaur.

I know I was joking then, and you were joking, but if I actually wanted to kiss you, would you be okay with that?  Because guess what?  I really want to kiss you.

I kept thinking about you the whole time I was at my stepfamily's house, and I wasn't sure why, but then I realized something.

I missed you.

And I've spent several days away from a family I love before, and I didn't even miss them.

But I missed you, and I didn't know how to feel about it, and I still don't.

I would be such a good boyfriend to you, and you know that, but I kinda wish it was actually a thing.

And I know that in a few months I'll be in Japan, but I just wish I could tell you how much I love you.

How the only reason I like B-days is because I get to see you and talk to you for that little bit in the morning, even though you're always super tired, yet you look so adorable.

How you laugh at the dumb little things I say that people don't normally hear me say but that I find hilarious.  Because I'm funny, and I love how you notice it.  And don't even get me started on that cute laugh.

How you write beautiful songs, and we had that silly little Disney Channel moment during intermission of Winter's Tale, and even if you thought I was just being funny, I was, but I was also captivated by how beautifully you play music.

How despite you sometimes doing things that bug me, saying something that I don't agree with, or saying that I'm wrong about something, I still can't help myself from remaining your friend, because we just make sense as friends.  And I think we'd make sense as romantic partners.  Heck, everyone else thinks we're dating, so that should be some sort of sign.

Look, I'm not guilt-tripping you to be my girlfriend, because it's a little late for that at this point.  But I really hope you're still around when I get back from Japan.  And if you're in some other part of the world doing the same thing I'm gonna do in Japan when I get back, then I'll probably wait for you.

I feel like you're better than me, which is exactly the kind of person I want to fall in love with.  You are so freaking beautiful.  Like oh my goodness.  Personality, face, body, talent, you.  It's all perfect.

You know that song we sing together to prove to people that we sound good together?

"Would you let me
See beneath your beautiful
Would you let me
See beneath your perfect
Take it off now, girl
Take it off now, girl
I wanna see inside
Would you let me
See beneath your beautiful
Tonight"

That's literally how I feel about you.  If we do end up getting married, and that song doesn't play at our wedding, then WE DONE MESSED UP, SON.

In all seriousness, we still have a lot to learn about each other, and a lot of trust to build, but the best day of my life would be to realize that I can spout off any fact about you, kiss you whenever I want, and tell you "I love you" everyday.

And for you to be okay with it.

I Wanted To Cry

I just spoke at my Seminary Graduation, and I touched lives.

And I was so close to crying, but I couldn't do it, and I hate that.

Because I've always wanted to cry at things, but I haven't been able to.

I've cried by myself a few times during high school, but I've never expressed it to people.  And I'm very self-conscious about that.

Because it makes me worried about the really important things coming up in my life.

What if I don't cry when I first step foot in Japan?

What if I don't cry when I baptize my first investigator on my mission?

What if I don't cry when my dad gets married?

What if I don't cry when I get married?

Because if I don't cry when I get married, then I'm gonna feel like the worst husband ever.

But if I do cry... I'll lose it.  It'll be Niagra Falls The Sequel.

Because if I cry, then I'll know she's right for me.

But I'm still worried, because I told my whole Stake that I used to not be worthy to serve a mission, but that I've changed.

It touched people, but I guess it didn't touch me.

I want to cry so bad, because I hate when a water balloon pops while you're filling it up.

I wanted to cry.

Why didn't I cry?

I need to cry.

Because I need the life changing moments to actually change my life.

If I'm not crying when any of my children born, then I'll be crying about it later; for the wrong reason.

I've had too many sad tears, but never any happy ones.

I want happy ones.

So to my future wife, if I cry at our wedding, then you'll know that I'll love you forever, and that you'll have helped me finally achieve my number one goal in life.

Please make me cry.

I need you to make me cry.

Because I need to love you.

And I need to love life.

I need to love myself.

My Life Story With Emphasis On The Usual Love Stuff That's On This Blog

I admit that this blog post is hard, because my whole blog has felt like #realtalk.

But even though I've been super honest on this blog, you all still don't know a lot about me.  So here's an attempt to better understand my life and what's going on.

So I was born on June 14, 1997 in Tallahasee, Florida, to then John and Ileana Brailsford.  I only had two older brothers at the time, because my sister wasn't born yet; she wouldn't come until 2 years later.  I don't remember anything about Florida, because when I was one month old, my family moved to Las Vegas, Nevada.

I lived in Las Vegas for 9 years.  It was honestly some of the best 9 years of my life.  I did stupid stuff, like wet the bed and kissed my cousin once, but life was simple.  Homework was easy, I only ever had a crush on one girl, and I had two other class clowns on my side.

But then, everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked.

AKA I moved to Highland, Utah.

Where the first thing a kid at school ever said to me was, "You have a big head."

That kid was Carter Childs, who goes to AF now, and we don't talk much, but we ended up becoming good friends at the time.

That was 4th grade, and I didn't have a crush on anyone until 6th grade.  The closest I got to romance back then was in 4th grade when I accidentally put my arm around Kasidy Reynolds, and I promise that was an accident.

But things weren't always bad back then, in fact, they were rather nice.  My first day of church I met one of my best friends; John Stout.  We were two kids obsessed with Nintendo, night games, and dogs.  I also met another one of my best friends; Josh Zabriskie.  Prepare for a lot of Joshes, because there are a lot in my life.

Josh and I hung out everyday that summer, which basically just consisted of playing video games and eating junk food and walking around Highland.  Now, Josh Z and I don't talk much, sadly.

Then I got acquainted with other friends in that ward; Josh Stoddard and Josh Whitmer.  See, told you.  Josh Stoddard and I didn't really become friends until 5th grade, when he came to Mountainville Academy, and every Friday after school we'd walk to Highland Elementary to meet up with John, Josh, Josh, and Todd.  Todd Stout, John's cousin, is the person who got me interested in Japan.

But then, everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked.

AKA I was actually introduced to The Last Airbender, I moved from Mountainville to Highland Elementary, and I started getting back in the love game.  AKA the no-one-will-love-Stephen-back game.  This game goes all the way to present day.

My 6th grade crush was Megan Smoot, and she knew that I liked her.  This would become a pattern for the rest of my schooling career.

Because in 8th grade I liked Madeline McEwan.

9th grade I liked Nikole Zitting and Kelsea Kocherhans and Carlie Halls.

Sophomore year I liked Abby Newell and Maddie Wheadon.

Junior year I liked Katherine Bennett and Rylee Ollerton and Carlie Halls again.

Senior year I liked Kelsea Kocherhans again and Kayla Edgel and Em Pew and Ali Fisher.

All of these girls in one way or another found out I liked them, and it honestly sucked.  Because that's so many beautiful girls that just wanted me as a friend.

And that's alright, because now I have no romance regret stories, and I'm leaving on a mission soon, and I highly doubt all of these girls will be married by the time I get back, so I have some hope.

But enough about love for a sec, let's talk about some other stuff.  Like how I cracked my head open and got 8 staples in my head one time.  Like how I've been learning Japanese for basically 5 years now, and how I'm actually going to Japan on a mission like I've wanted to.  God must love me.

Or how my parents are divorced, and they told me they were getting one a few days after I got out of the hospital, which I was put in for lack of hydration, because I threw up like 4528 times.  That was a terrible week.

How when I was 14 I started losing my faith, because I started getting addicted to pornography.  But I've now vowed to always be a Latter-day Saint, because thinking back on that time where I didn't have my faith makes me realize that I didn't have myself.  Because I am a son of God, and to doubt that would mean doubting my ability.

I became weak and disgusting and confused.  But then I found my way back, with a little help from my bishop, Jesus, and Em Pew.  And I can't thank them enough.

So let me go back to love, because I've talked about loving Em recently on my blog, but she's not the only person I'm interested in right now.  Let's just say it's still Senior year.

It was almost as if God was taunting me this year, especially recently, because now most of the girls I like don't have boyfriends anymore, which means I could try and "swoop in", but I can't.  Because right now I'd be a terrible boyfriend.  Why?  Because I don't just like one girl.

I see myself marrying Em, but I can't help but like other girls as well.  And that kinda sucks, because I feel like that'll hurt her feelings, but I'm supposed be real and honest with this, aren't I?

I still have feelings for Kelsea.  I've done a lot better at keeping our friendship and not making things weird, because her and Oakley like each other now, but I still find her so beautiful.  And it sucks that I'll probably never get the chance to date her, because now we've become best friends, and we've been through so much to get to this point that I feel like it can't go down hill from here.  Unless, you know, I openly confess my feelings on a blog.

But Kelsea you shouldn't feel weird because you're not the only one.  Kayla is still super attractive to me, and she just broke up with Jackson, and I knew it would happen from the beginning, and not because of Kayla.  It was so sad to see my predictions come true, because I still cared about her and knew that he just wasn't right for her.  You're probably just finding out that I like you, Kayla, but I want you to find someone amazing, because you deserve it.  You're beautiful.

But then there's Ali, who just broke up with Jake, and it really sucks that that didn't work out, because I was actually starting to think that they were cute together.  But I think she's better without him.  Ali, do you remember what you said when you told me you didn't like me that way?  You said, "I just need to see if things will work out with Jake."  So now that things didn't work out, I'm not sure what's going to happen, because I don't want to date you now, because we'd only have two months, which is way worse than four.  But I still think you're beautiful.

And now there's Emily Paulson.  I'm with the Beach Boys on wishing they all could be California girls, because wow.  This girl has changed my life with who she is, and I just can't believe how beautiful she is.  She lights up the world like the California sun.  Emily, you're going to find someone amazing one day.  If that person happens to be me, that'd be legit, but you'll find someone, I promise.

And of course, there's Em.  Em is obviously my best friend, and who I said I've wanted to take things romantically with, but Em, I can't do that to you.  You read what I said about those other girls, it wouldn't be fair to you.  But I can't thank you enough for your friendship, and just how unbelievably beautiful you are.  Just because I find other girls attractive doesn't mean that your beauty is diminished or obsolete.  I know more about you than any of the other girls, which seems ridiculous that I would even like these other girls, because you're just such a beautiful human being, but I do, and I'm sorry.

And the reason I've been holding off on a relationship is because girls ruined my friend group.  I only hang out with drama kids now, because the relationships haven't ruined anything.

John started off with Arlee.

Then Brian started liking Geneva.

Then Todd started liking Laura.

Then Josh S started liking Karlee.

But then John and Arlee broke up, Brian started dating Karlee, Todd started dating Laura, and Josh started dating Geneva.  It wasn't cute.

Because Brian and Karlee broke up, and Brian started dating Arlee, but then they broke up.  Todd and Laura broke up and now Todd's dating Kayli.  Josh and Geneva broke up and now Geneva has Jason.

But John has Elisabeth now, and they're actually cute.

And I'm not too sure about Josh W's love life, but to the best of my knowledge,

I'm the only person in my friend group who's never been in a relationship, and who's still VL.

But now Josh S is in Argentina, Brian is in Texas, Todd is going to Japan, Arlee is going to California, Josh W is in Japan, Karlee is at BYU, Geneva is at BYU, Laura is going to the Phillipines, John is going to Japan, and I'm going to Japan.  Thank you, God, for giving us a break.

To top off that craziness, however, my parents broke up.

John now has Deb and Ileana went back to being a Valencia.

I think it's for the best, but I still wish my parents worked it out.

Because now that I've seen so many bad relationships, including my parents', I just want to be married to someone and do everything I can to make them feel special and do things right.  Because through my journey of life I've realized that love is selfless, and I've just been thinking about myself my whole life.  I've wanted to know what kissing and sex feels like, but now I just want to do things for someone, and have kids with someone.  And I want to be with someone forever, and mean it.

Because this Nintendo gaming, Ultimate playing, Japanese loving, film making, creative writing, risk taking, super hilarious theater kid needs somebody to love.

And he's gonna have 20 years of preparation for it once he comes home.

人間の質問

TESTIMONY ALERT

Is there a God?

That is Man's question, because that is the way Man was created.

Man was created to learn, to grow, to think beyond, to feel.

But in a world of scientific basis and thinking, our feelings have become obsolete.

Why has this happened?  Why have we deviated from the way that God works?

God in His true form is not visible, that's obvious.  But in the world we live in, He has to be visible, otherwise He's not real.

But can I just say how illogical that mentality is?

Because this life is a test to see if we can follow God without Him actually being physically present.  Because having the teacher tell you all the answers on the test while you're supposed to be the one taking the test makes no sense.

But God is a nice teacher.  He's made it an open-book test.  The problem is that we don't always know which book to use.

And that's certainly not His fault, it's ours.  Because God is so mysterious, and we all think so differently, that without Him actually helping us, we have a hard time understanding Him, which is why there are so many different views of Him.

How can you understand someone if you haven't actually taken the time to learn about that person?

You can hear what other people have said about that person, or even what other people heard the person say, but sometimes people are stupid.  People will make fun of certain people, lie about certain people, and hurt certain people, all for the enjoyment of confusing their peers.

But you can't listen to these people, because they don't know or understand God.

Because you won't get to know someone unless you talk to them personally.

Which leads me to another reason why God is a nice teacher; we can talk to Him.  Just as you can raise your hand to have a teacher come assist you, God can do the same.

Now instead of raising our hand, we pray.  But prayer is a very personal and quiet thing when using it to understand God.  

He's not going to be very loud and disruptive when He talks to you.

What if mid-test, your teacher just yelled from their desk, "HEY STEPHEN I THINK YOU SHOULD PUT DOWN C FOR NUMBER TWENTY SEVEN BECAUSE THATS LIKE TOTALLY THE RIGHT ANSWER HOMEBOY"

First of all, your name probably isn't Stephen, so that's one way why that's not like God, because He knows your name.  Second of all, God comes to you and whispers to you personally, because He wants to make sure that you understand.

But God probably won't give you what you want all of the time, because just as a teacher can only give you suggestions on how to answer a problem on your own, so it is with God.

God is the teacher that gives hints.

"Well why does He give hints, why can't He just give me the answer?"

BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO PUT IN EFFORT TO MAKE YOURSELF STRONGER AND GOD HAS TO DEAL WITH SEVEN BILLION OTHER IMPERFECT PEOPLE SO YOU CAN AT LEAST MAKE IT EASIER ON HIM OKAY RANT OVER

Seriously, God's smarter than that.  He knows the whole point of sending you here, and He knows how to make you awesome.  And that process is not easy, because life isn't easy.

Life isn't easy because God isn't easy, and God created life.

Now back to my point of life being an open-book test, and us not knowing which book to use.  We have so many books and scriptures that give so many different views and perspectives of God, but they all are fairly similar in their purpose of trying to find God.  Whether you call Him God, Jesus, Allah, Vishnu, Zeus, Messiah, or any other respectful title, you're still searching for the same Person.

Because like I said earlier, He's so mysterious, and we think so differently that it's hard for us to have one unified view of God.  But one day we will, and it'll all make sense.

Because as physical children, we naturally want to know more about our physical parents.

Our spiritual selves have the same curiosity for a reason; we have spiritual Parents.

Sorry to be super religious, but although I don't fully understand God and who He is, I really strongly believe that He exists. 

It just makes so much sense to me, and even if you don't believe in God, I hope you at least believe in something, because believing in something really unlocks the meaning of life.

Let me put it this way: Is seeing believing, or is believing seeing?

Because Man today works through the former, but God has always worked through the latter.

Which is why I like being a Latter-day Saint.