Sayounara

The weight of two years hasn't quite hit me yet, but maybe that's because when you really think about it, two years is not a long time.

But it is.

Because it'll go by super fast for me, but I don't know if it will for my friends and family.  And I'm afraid of where everyone will be once I get back.  I'm afraid a lot of people I care about now will be gone.

I'm beyond excited to be going to the country I've always wanted to go to, but all of this work will change me more than any normal visit to Japan.

I'm one of those people where something doesn't really hit me until long after it's happened.  It's hard for me to think that there's an end to things, because I have this eternal perspective that not only comforts me, but also makes me somewhat apathetic.

Like it's just now kicked in what I'm getting myself into, and I'm nervous, and I'm scared, but... I'm ready.

I've found out that this is the time where I need to go, a time to just focus on the work of the One who created me, and less about myself.

I'm excited to see the changes that happen to me, but I'm more excited to see the changes that happen to the Japanese people.

I'll see you in two, minasan.

It's not over yet,

Elder Brailsford

The Indescribable Eye-Color

She has said several times that because of a stroke, her eyes are sometimes "off", and that's why she doesn't like them.

But part of me likes it when she complains about her eyes, because then I have a good excuse to look at them.  They're absolutely beautiful.

Indescribable.

If the most beautiful shade of green and the most beautiful shade of brown had a baby, the product would be her eyes.  They are literally captivating.

I've never really been mesmerized by a girl's eyes before, but with hers I've actually had to snap myself out of looking at them, no joke.

Everytime she says, "My eyes are probably crooked!" I look at them and say, "No they're not, they're beautiful."  And I mean it.  I never want to look away.

Especially if the beauty of her eyes reflect the beauty of her soul.

I'm Still Confused

I still don't know if the feeling is mutual.

I was okay with "funny" and "cute," but I didn't think "male" was the issue.  And no, she's not a lesbian.

Stadium of (She Was) Fire

Tonight Journey told me someday love would find me, but it didn't find me tonight.  Probably because we were with my family, so that could've been weird.  But she was fire.

That was probably the best date of my life, and considering my family was there, that's saying something.

I just wanted to keep taking SnapChat videos not only because Journey was so dang good, but because me getting her to rock out was the cutest thing to watch.  It was so fun being myself and having her laugh.

I don't think she feels the same way, but I do at the same time.  It's really weird.

Tonight was the best, it truly was.  Of course I was awkward at times and of course we didn't get to know that much about each other, but I felt like we really bonded, and that was cool.

We reacted the same way to basically everything that happened tonight, and I was like, "We have the same brain and she's beautiful, what a freaking day to be alive!"

I believe something can happen, and I'd love for something to happen, but I just don't want to rush anything.  And I won't stop believing (as Journey would say).

You know how in movies when the guy is staring love-struck at the girl when she's looking at something else and girls think it's super cute?  Yeah, I was doing that a lot tonight.  Like a lot, because she was so beautiful.

There were fireworks and legendary rock bands playing, but I just wanted to look at her the whole time.  Watching her take it all in was the best part.

She's just such a fun person, and that was with my family.  I can't imagine what a date without my family would be like, but it sounds like it'd be too good to be true.

My arms are wide open, Ms Davis, even though Journey didn't even play that song tonight.  Will you come to me, or do I have to come to you?

You Are Not Ordinary

You may have a very "ordinary" name, but you are not ordinary.  You're something extra... Extraordinary (don't worry, I know that was stupid).

I feel like I know who you are.  You're seen as the sidekick.  The third-wheel.  The hot yet not as popular one... Like me (also stupid, I know).  You even have a twin, which could make you feel even more sidekickish.

But you are more than a sidekick to me.  We've third-wheeled together.  And you are definitely hot.

Also, I hope you don't feel that way around your twin, because you are beautiful just the way you are.  I wish I could tell you that.

But the problem with individuals that you think are right for you is that you're not sure if they feel the same way, and it makes you kinda really want to explode, wondering if you trying to pull a move will pull her closer.

We have 0 performances to make something happen backstage, and we have 7 days to make something happen between us.  I hate that I would just leave you after such a small time, but the only amount of time that seems smaller than that is times I get to spend with you.

That's definitely not enough time for fornication, so your mom wouldn't have to worry about anything (inside joke).

One of your best friends and one of mine have made something, and I don't know if it'd be weird or not if we tried to make something.

I just think you're beautiful (like really beautiful), and I want more than 4 hours a day to see you.  And I even want more of you in those 4 hours.

I just don't want you to be another girl that he takes from me.

I knew I really liked you when I got jealous, even though he probably doesn't actually like you.

I just don't really know a thing about you, but something is telling me that I should.

And I hope you're being told the same thing.

A Formal Acceptance of Apology

Dear you know who you are,

I first want you to know that I really did cry when I said I did, and you know I don't really cry, so I want you to know that I really regretted those quotation marks.

I never want you to think that you're not worthy of my friendship, because you totally are.  I find it interesting that I don't feel worthy enough to be your friend, and you don't feel worthy enough to be mine, but as the popular musical Wicked sang it best, "we deserve each other."  We really do.

I need someone that can laugh at my stupidity and that I can just say whatever random thing comes to mind and not feel like an idiot, and you need that too, I know you do.

I wish you could see yourself through my eyes.  Because with my eyes, no matter how "scary" you think you really are, you're still going to be beautiful to me, and I promise that won't change.

Because when we hung out today after not seeing each other for like two weeks, even when your body was not happy with you and you felt like you were gonna die/kill me, I still thought, "Wow, I can never leave this girl.  For starters, her hugs, wow, unbelievable.  Second, she's absolutely gorgeous.  Third, her humor is totally the same as mine, like she's just super hilarious.  Fourth, her mind is beautiful.  The way she tells stories, the creative things she comes up with, it's amazing.  There's so much more, but I'm gonna shut up now and keep listening to her."

Seriously, you inspire me to keep being a good person, and our friendship just makes sense.  Like, I'm always comfortable around you, no matter what.  I was nervous that after two weeks things would be super awkward, but we actually had a really good conversation, and I walked away glad that I was still able to talk to you.

You are such an amazing person, and I want you to realize that I am always here for you.  I could've given up on you months ago, but losing you would be like losing a part of myself, and not in some cheesy romantic way.  Though it may feel like I don't, I trust you, and I'm really hoping that you'll realize that you can trust me, because I wouldn't trade you for the world.

I have never regretted meeting you.  From the moment I met you I loved who you were as a person, and to become your best friend this last year was and still is an honor.  Please keep being my friend, please.

I don't care how irrational you get, or how hard it is sometimes to deal with you, because it's worth it.

I'm sorry for the quotation marks.  They were not fair to you, because you've done more for me than any other person, and you worry about me, which is really sweet.

I want you to know that I worry about you everyday, but that's because I care, and I'm here, and I want to help you always.  I don't feel any sort of romantic feelings for anyone right now, and I hate saying the "L" word, because it's really strong to me, but I love you.

I really truly love you, no quotation marks attached.

You are so worthy of my friendship, please don't doubt that.

And you are more than just words; you are human.  You are flawed but you are a work of art.  There is still a lot of time and effort being put into you, and it's making you even more beautiful and real, which is hard for me to believe that you can get any more beautiful and real, but it will happen.  I'm excited to see the person you've become when I get off my mission, and once you get off yours.

I'm sorry I made you feel like an inadequate friend, you are not a horrible person.  I love you no matter what, okay?

I accept your apology, even though you didn't have to be sorry about any of that stuff.

Keep fighting, keep believing, and keep growing.  And thanks for helping me with all three of those.

- your best friend

Kinda Really Hate Myself Right Now

Sorry, sad post, but this is my blog, so here:

I can't talk to anyone without feeling like I'm either gonna hurt someone else's feelings or like no even cares about me or what I have to say.  Because any time I speak I instantly feel judged, and then I feel stupid, and then I feel like everyone hates me, and then I hate myself.  I feel like a good person, but to everyone else, I guess I'm not good enough.

"Is anybody out there?

Feels like I'm talking to

Myself."

When I'm supposed to be the honest blog, even though I just deleted a lot of what I was gonna say, half because it would hurt people's feelings, and the other half because I feel like you don't even care.  Girls always say they want a guy that's confident, but how the hell am I supposed to be confident when no girl even wants to think about spending eternity with me?

I hate everything right now, including myself, and that makes me feel like every girl I know has just taken me off of their list.  Can you please just let me be sad like you always are and give me a chance?

I want to make someone happy for the rest of forever, but with girls constantly saying how great of a friend I am, the idea of eternal love sounds unobtainable and ridiculous, which just makes me an even worse candidate for a husband.

And now I'm gonna spend two years in a country I'm supposed to be happy about going to, but right now it's ruining my chances of love even more.  See, this whole post is just ridiculous, and no one is probably even gonna find it, because people only ever cared about this blog when there was a grade attached to it.  And how I've changed my mind about a lot of things on this blog, including my "best friend."

I just feel like a terrible person, and I want to feel like a terrible person without being labeled as, "not confident enough," because I would feel confident if people weren't hypocrites.  See, I'm even name calling now.

Whatever, this post is stupid, I'm stupid, blah blah blah sorry for the disappointing post after a long while of nothing.

I just want someone to prove to me how untrue this post is.